Life in a Glasshouse
by poisonivy231
Summary: After the shooting, Cristina and Owen have rebuilt their relationship, but what will happen when Dr Burke returns for a special case? And is that his only reason for coming back? How will Cristina and Owen's relationship survive?
1. Nice Dream

Cristina jolted upright, gasping, her hair tangled with cold sweat, the bed sheets twisted around her legs. Her hands were clenched on the sheets, her nails digging into her palms through the fabric. After a few seconds her eyes stopped flicking around the room in panic as she focused on the wall in front of her. Her breathing slowed and her muscles relaxed. She looked to her left where Owen should have been sleeping. He had thankfully already woken up and the space was empty. She flopped back onto the pillows. However many times that dream returned it always affected her; she was almost convinced it got worse after each round. Sometimes she escaped it by refusing to leave the hospital until she was certain that she would sleep the dreamless sleep of utter exhaustion, but she had now had that dream four nights in a row. She tried to stop it from replaying in her mind like it did most of the day, but she couldn't help it. Owen's bloodless face swam before her eyes once more, surrounded by the red of his own blood. The substance was oozing from three bullet-holes in his chest, as though he had no more blood to spill and his body was ridding itself of the last dregs of life. Cristina saw her own hands scrabbling at Owen's chest, helpless to do anything, but trying to help him, scooping his blood up in her hands and attempting to force it back into the wounds. Cristina was alive, unharmed and utterly useless.

She rolled onto her front and groaned into the pillow. Ever since the shooting she hadn't been able to get the image of a lifeless Owen out of her head. She knew he was fine – she saw him every day. She would dream of his dead body while he slept beside her. She would wake up in the night and listen to him breathe, just to convince herself that he was safe. She knew that he was alive, but her dreaming brain did not seem to.

With another groan she dragged herself off the pillows and out of bed. She hated waking up to an empty bed. She could remember that moment when she realised Burke had taken her ability to sleep alone. Once he was gone and she was lying solitary in her bed, she promised herself it wouldn't happen again. Now she had broken that promise and she could definitely sympathise with Meredith's abandonment issues. It was far worse when she had the dead-Owen dream and living Owen was not right there when she woke up. She needed to see him, just to make sure he was alive. She stumbled into the kitchen and couldn't stop herself smiling when she saw him bent over a bowl of cereal looking utterly exhausted. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, kissing his neck and breathing in his alive-Owen smell. In one swift movement, he turned on his chair so his arms were around her waist and his knees either side of her hips and he kissed her. Cristina was definitely certain he was alive by this point, but she wasn't going to stop him. They broke apart and smiled sleepily at each other.

'Good morning, Dr Yang.'

'Good morning, Dr Hunt.'

'Did you sleep well?' he asked her, still smiling.

Cristina faltered slightly as she thought about the dream again. 'Yeah, fine,' she said, not quite meeting his eyes. She pulled him into another kiss as a distraction. Owen pulled her onto his lap, kissing her deeply, his arms wrapped so tightly around her she felt as though they were glued there.

'Isn't it a bit early in the morning for that?'

Cristina pulled away from Owen and sighed. Callie shut the fridge door, holding a carton of orange juice from which she drank.

'Says the woman who can't seem to shower alone, and also, I bought that. And I was going to have some before you got your spit all over it.' Cristina was slightly irritated with Callie for interrupting them, and this combined with the exhaustion and the stupid recurring dream to make her extremely snappy.

'Good morning to you too. Owen, would you like some orange juice?' Callie proffered the bottle, smiling innocently, but Owen shook his head with a smirk.

'I think I'll pass.'

'I hate you all. I'm going to take a shower,' Cristina said. She clambered off Owen's lap and headed towards the bathroom. Still half asleep, she tripped over her own feet getting into the shower and hit her head on the tiles. Whimpering at the throbbing pain in her temple, she struggled to turn the shower on, but was relieved when a jet of hot water struck her. She leaned back against the glass door and let the water splash onto her stomach. She could already feel it was going to be a long day.

...

Cristina strode into the locker room, letting the door slam behind her. She opened her locker and rifled through the filth in search of some scrubs which looked vaguely clean.

'What happened to your head?' Meredith's voice from the other side of the locker door was concerned, but Cristina sensed a touch of amusement.

'I tripped,' she said, her tone blunt.

'Onto what? A brick wall?' Meredith was laughing slightly now.

'A tiled wall, actually. Can you shut up now?'

'Good day, huh Yang?' called Alex. Cristina just glared at him. She pulled on her scrubs and stalked off in search of coffee. As she walked she became enthralled by the lace on her shoe, which was undone and flicking across the floor every time she took a step. It was slightly hypnotic and she was so absorbed that she walked right into someone. She looked up and saw Owen with a chart in his hand which had clearly been distracting him from watching where he was walking.

'You should watch where you're walking, Dr Yang.' Owen smiled again and pulled her too him.

'Mmm, so should you,' Cristina mumbled as he kissed her neck. 'I think this is all highly inappropriate hallway behaviour, Dr Hunt.'

'Ah, but that just makes it all the more fun.'

'Owen,' said Teddy's voice from behind them, sounding pained. They broke apart swiftly and saw her staring at a point just above Owen's left ear and attempting to look as though she didn't care that Owen picked Cristina over her. 'Owen, I have a patient I need you for.'

'Yes,' Owen replied, nodding. 'Yes, of course.' He began to walk away, but turned back to Cristina. 'I'll see you later,' he said, and kissed her quickly before following Teddy down the hallway.

Cristina watched them go, feeling slightly jealous. She thought Teddy would have got over the fact that Owen had chosen Cristina by now. Or at least that she would be better at hiding how much she cared. It was as though Teddy was deliberately trying to make Cristina feel bad. And she always seemed to need Owen for 'a patient'. He was a trauma surgeon. Why would he be needed by the Head of Cardio so often? She certainly asked for Owen more than she did Cristina. In fact, Cristina hadn't been on cardio once since the shooting. She understood why, and accepted it for a while, but now it was driving her insane. She needed a heart. She needed to hold one in her hand, feel the powerful muscle beneath her fingertips. She shook her head and went in search of caffeine.

...

Feeling substantially better with a coffee in hand, Cristina met Meredith at the nurses' station where they were awaiting their interns.

'You would think they'd have learnt to get here on time by now,' Cristina said irritably.

'I told Derek about the baby,' Meredith said, quite unexpectedly.

'What? Why?'

'I thought it was time he knew. And he sort of has a right. He kept asking me if I was okay every time I visited him in the hospital and then when he came home after recovery. It was like he knew.'

'How did he take it?' Cristina asked, concerned by the sadness in her friend's eyes. Meredith feigned being fine like she always did, but the loss of her baby had hurt her profoundly.

'He cried.' Meredith wouldn't look at Cristina.

'Oh. Do you…want a hug?'

'Cristina, we don't do hugs.'

'I know. But do you want a hug?' Cristina asked. Meredith gave a small nod and Cristina wrapped her arms around her. She rested her chin on Mer's shoulder and looked up to the staircase where the Chief of Surgery liked to make announcements. Sure enough, Derek was there, in conversation with another man. The man shifted slightly and Cristina gave a gasp. Preston Burke. Preston Burke was here. Here in Seattle Grace talking to Derek Shepherd just feet away from her.

Cristina released Meredith immediately, her eyes wild.

'Mer, you have to hide me,' she said urgently, crouching slightly behind her friend.

'Cristina, what's – '

'Just hide me!'

Meredith turned Cristina around and hurried her into the nearest linen closet. She shut the door and turned to face her friend.

'What is going on?' she asked.

'Burke. Burke is here. Right here. In this hospital. He's here and he's – '

'Wait, Burke is here? But why?'

'I have no idea!' yelled Cristina. 'You think if I knew he was coming I would be in this situation? The bastard. Why does he have to show up now? I mean, is he _trying_ to ruin my life in every way possible?' She was pacing back and forth across the tiny space between the shelves piled with bedsheets. 'He eats away most of my soul, he leaves me, I am finally near being just the least bit happy, and then he comes back again! Why? What reason does he have?'

'I don't know any more than you do, but I do know that your interns are probably standing outside, waiting for you.'

Cristina suddenly looked very panicked. 'No. No. No, I am not leaving this room. You are not going to make me leave this room.'

'Cristina, you have to. You can't stay in here all day.' Meredith gave her a slightly pitying look.

'Oh, you think I can't? Just watch me. I am not – Meredith, stop it! No – '

Meredith had grabbed Cristina's arm and was dragging her towards the door. 'You got over him. You got over him and now he is here, so you should have no problem with him knowing where you are.'

'Oh, I'm over him. I'm definitely over him. But that doesn't mean I want to _see_ him. You get that, right?'

Meredith gave Cristina a withering look and opened the door, pulling her into the hallway. 'Go. Fetch interns.'

'You have to come with me, you have to hide me.'

'I'm coming with you but I will _not_ hide you.' Meredith gave Cristina a shove in the back and the two of them walked towards their interns, Cristina resolutely refusing to look up from the floor. She could not make eye contact with Burke. If she did that, it would all be over. The floodgates holding back the memories of that time would be torn to shreds and she knew she couldn't handle it. And her theory was, if she looked at the floor, he would be far less likely to notice her. She positioned herself with her back to the staircase and tried to concentrate on giving her interns their orders. She finished telling them who they were assigned to and expected them to scurry off and be interns somewhere else. But they just stood there.

'Go!' she said, widening her eyes and making shooing gestures. They still did not move and were looking at each other as if trying to force each other to speak. Finally, one of them did.

'Dr Yang, we were wondering if we could perhaps be assigned to Dr Burke's case. He's a legendary surgeon and we heard he has something really interesting.' The intern looked at her slightly nervously. Cristina had almost flinched when he had said Burke's name, but she was desperate to know why he was there.

'Do you know what this interesting case is, by any chance?'

'No, we just know that it was worth him returning.'

'Oh, it must be worthy _indeed_, if he would return for it.' She was angry, but not quite convinced this was the whole story. There had been plenty of 'very interesting cases' that could have could have caught Burke's eye. Why had he decided to come back now? Then she thought of something. 'Alright, you may all go and see if you can work on Dr Burke's case. But I want you to report back to me. You must tell me everything that happens, every single word that he says. Write it down if you must but I want to know everything that happens with that patient and with Dr…Burke.' His name left a sour taste in her mouth. 'Are we clear?'

The interns gave a smattering of nods and 'yes's before hurrying off, talking excitedly among themselves. Cristina turned to look for Meredith, but she was not there. She had a sudden lapse of judgement and looked up at the staircase. Burke was alone now, surveying the hospital below him. Before she could look away their eyes met. They stared at each other for a second and a half before Cristina turned and walked swiftly away. She was just breaking into a run in the hallway when someone dragged her through a door yet again. She was pressed against the door of the on-call room as Owen kissed her passionately. She was relieved. She needed to be distracted from the insanity of Burke's return. Owen pulled her shirt over her head and lifted her arms up in the air, intertwining their fingers. Every part of his body was tight against hers and she gave into him completely, leaving all thoughts of Burke far behind as he dragged her down onto the bed.


	2. Stop Whispering

Cristina slipped out of the on-call room with her hair slightly messier than it should be if you haven't been working in the ER and headed back to the nurses' station. Her mind was still preoccupied and she had completely forgotten about the possibility of being seen by Burke. She picked up her patient's chart and began to check his vitals. He wasn't a cardio patient because of Dr Webber's rule about not specialising, which was still being enforced by Dr Shepherd, and also because of Cristina's awkward relationship with Teddy, but he had a fairly interesting brain tumour that Cristina was keen to scrub in on. She was almost beginning to appreciate her separation from cardio, as she had found that neurosurgery was not as bad as she had once thought. Derek was an extremely good teacher, albeit slightly arrogant at times. The patient had been stable through the night and Cristina was about to check on him. Still reading the chart, she began to walk away from the nurses' station and only looked up when she realised she was about to walk into someone. Her eyes were met with none other than Preston Burke. He smiled at her and opened his mouth to speak, but Cristina, utterly horror-stricken, literally fled. She turned and she ran in no particular direction except from away from Burke. She could not hear his voice or look into his eyes. She had to get away.

She stopped outside room 2237 and stood panting. She didn't know what made her run. She would never do that normally. Walking away while someone was still speaking to her she would do, but running away was not something Cristina Yang did. She would never admit to it, but Cristina felt a slight fear when she was near Burke, like he was going break her in two just by looking at her. She leaned against the wall for a few moments as she tried to breathe normally, then she shook her head and looked at the chart again. Her patient was in room 2235, just two doors away. Cristina walked into the room, trying not to look too flustered. Derek was already there.

'Good morning, Dr Yang. I was just checking on Mr Sein before he goes in for surgery today.' Derek was smiling at her, but Cristina had the suspicion that he was trying to read her face. Maybe he was wondering if she'd seen Burke yet. She made her expression completely blank and nodded at him.

'Good morning. I just thought I would check on Mr Sein.' She turned to the patient. 'Your vitals are good and you haven't had any seizures for almost two days. I see no reason why you shouldn't have a good surgery today.' She tried to smile, but it did not quite work. Derek continued to talk the patient through his surgery, which gave Cristina time to drift into angry thoughts about Burke. Why had he smiled at her? He left her jilted at the altar and then came back smiling. What was this? Hannah Montana?

'Dr Yang?' Derek was looking at her, slightly annoyed.

'Yes, sorry.'

* * *

'Yang.'

Cristina held back a growl as she lifted her face from her hands and stopped leaning on the nurses' station outside her patient's room to look at Bailey.

'Yeah?'

'You scrubbing in with Dr Shepherd today?'

'Yes, a man with a brain tumour – '

'Well, you aren't now. You have been specially requested for another case.'

Cristina frowned. 'What case? Is it with Dr Altman, because I really don't think she wants –? '

'You have been requested,' Dr Bailey said, cutting Cristina off again, 'by Dr Burke. He has a very interesting surgery which he would like you to scrub in on. He says you are the best resident for cardio, and I don't think I'm going to argue with him.'

Cristina stared at Bailey, hoping this was some cruel joke. She wanted to know what Burke was doing, but she was not about to stand in an OR with him for five hours. 'Dr Burke? Uh…Dr Bailey I would really rather stay on the case I'm on currently with Dr Shepherd. I…I'm really interested in neurosurgery and I – '

'Yang, I know you have…personal differences with Dr Burke.' Cristina snorted at this massive understatement. 'But he has specifically asked for you. He has returned for this case and he wants you on it.' A softer expression came over Bailey's face. 'I know you never want to see him again, but we all have to face things we don't want to at some point. You just have to focus on the surgery and not on Burke.' Bailey put her hand on Cristina's arm and stroked it gently. 'I will tell Dr Shepherd where you've gone; your new patient is in 3266.' She gave Cristina a meaningful look until Cristina nodded. Bailey removed her hand and went to speak to Dr Shepherd.

Cristina wanted to cry, but she simply walked towards the elevator and stepped into it. Thankfully there was nobody else inside it, so she leant her forehead against the wall and sighed deeply. Her vision blurred as tears formed, but she was reaching the next floor, so she blinked repeatedly and tried to prepare herself. The elevator doors opened and the room was the second on the right. The door was closed, so Cristina had a moment before she went in to close her eyes and breathe deeply. She placed a mask of indifference on her face and turned the handle. She walked in and closed the door behind her. All of her interns were here, as well as Meredith's. Meredith herself was there, for that matter, and Teddy was standing on the other side of the room. The small room was almost over-brimming with people.

'Ah, Dr Yang, glad you could join us.' Dr Burke was standing on the opposite side of the bed, by the patient, and smiling at Cristina. She once again made the mistake of looking into his eyes. They seemed to be laughing at her. He broke it by looking at the patient, leaving her feeling a bit light-headed. 'Dr Yang is an excellent cardiothoracic surgeon, which is why I requested her. You have the best surgical team you could, Mrs Colton.' Burke smiled at the woman in the bed and then turned to one of the interns. 'Dr Sullivan, would you like to present?'

The intern nodded eagerly. 'Amanda Colton, 34. Mrs Colton has a schwannoma which has spread from the mediastinum to the aortopulmonary window. The mass is benign, but it is extremely close the aorta, so the surgery has a high risk. The mass causes a sense of heaviness and pain in the chest, but it was not caught earlier as it was believed to simply be heartburn.'

'Which is why you need the best team of surgeons." Dr Burke said, returning his eyes to the patient. "I believe that we can remove the tumour and relieve you of pain. Our aim is to remove the entire tumour, so that we won't have to go back in,' he explained. Cristina could tell by the patient's expression that she had heard this all before.

'Thank you Dr Burke, but I would really just like to be left alone with my husband now, who I think is currently buried beneath all the doctors in my room.' She stared at Dr Burke, who nodded, still smiling.

'Of course. Sullivan, you can take Mrs Colton's vitals and then leave her be. The rest of you can leave now. I will come back and see you later, Amanda.' Burke strode towards the door and the interns rushed to open the door before he reached it. He paused when he reached Cristina, then leant over so that his breath hit her neck and whispered in her ear, 'Good to see you, Dr Yang.'

Cristina glared at his back as he turned the corner to the elevators. She felt someone pulling on her arm and looked to her side to see Meredith trying to make her walk. She hadn't realised that she had been standing still as a crowd of people left the room. She and Meredith were two of the last left behind. She mentally shook herself and let Meredith lead her out of the room and into a supply closet, where her friend sat her down on an upturned bucket and looked at her closely. Then Meredith sighed and slid down to sit on the floor, leaning against the shelving. Cristina rested her head on her knees and gave a heavy sigh.

'I hate him.'

'No you don't.'

'I do. I can't stand the way he looks at me and the way he whispers in my ear, like he thinks he still has a hold over me.' Cristina was still talking into her knees.

'Does he?'

Cristina lifted her head. 'Does he what?'

'Does he still have a hold over you? Because you were pretty panicked when he showed up. And after he whispered in your ear you just stood there like you were brain-dead. That doesn't really sound like he has no hold over you.' Meredith was surveying Cristina critically, worried by her friend's reaction.

'Why are you so desperate for me to still be in love with Burke?'

'I'm not. I would rather that you weren't. And I don't think you're in love with him, I just think you care a little too much. And I don't want this to affect your relationship with Owen.'

'Do not bring Owen into this. He does not and he will not know that Burke is here. I cannot have the two of them in the same room or my carotid artery is going to rupture,' Cristina said, glaring at Meredith, who gave her a pitying look.

'You think Owen isn't going to know that Burke is here? It's probably all the hospital is talking about, plus Burke has Teddy working with him on the case, and she and Owen still speak to each other. And I doubt Derek won't say anything to him. It is inevitable that he is going to find out.' Meredith watched as Cristina evaluated this, and saw her come to the conclusion that Meredith was right. Cristina returned her head to her knees with a dry sob. She was about to speak when the door opened and a nurse walked in.

'Oh, sorry, I just need to collect some bandages,' she said, confused as to why two surgeons were sitting in a supply closet.

'No, it's okay, we were just leaving,' said Cristina, standing up.

They walked towards the elevator, Meredith watching Cristina out of the corner of her eye. Cristina had been acting strangely since Burke had arrived, and not in the way that was expected when you see your ex-fiancé. She seemed almost morose and Meredith wasn't sure how to act. Angry Cristina was easy to deal with; scathing Cristina was just everyday life; crying Cristina wasn't even hard to handle. But this depressed, lifeless Cristina who had given up was not someone Meredith knew. It was like Burke's presence removed her identity.

They stood in silence as the elevator trundled downwards, stepping out and heading automatically towards the Pit. Avery was already there and he smiled at Cristina as he pulled on his gloves. Cristina looked away, unable to deal with yet another man, especially one whose eyes were that beautiful. _Do not ever think that again. You are treading in very dangerous waters if you start thinking about Avery's eyes._ She reached up to tie her scrubs around her neck, but someone else's hands were already there. She felt Owen's breath tickling the back of her ear and closed her eyes, relishing the feeling of his warm fingertips brushing against her skin. When the bow was tied Owen kissed the back of her neck. Cristina glanced across to see Avery looking aggravated. She smirked and leant into Owen's chest, letting his scent surround her like the arms around her waist as they waited for the ambulances to arrive. Owen being near her always made her forget about Burke for just a little while. If she felt the heat of his skin, all memories of the other man were driven out and she could have a moment of happy peace. She was free of that knot that had been twisting tighter and tighter in her stomach since this morning, not helped by her realisation that she was afraid to go near Burke. She was scared he would take all those pieces of her that she had carefully rebuilt once he was gone. She had felt it happening when he whispered in her ear, like a little part of her was being ripped from the whole. He was breaking her again and he had barely spoken two sentences to her. But she forgot it all in that moment, when she could feel Owen's heat pressing against her back, warming her to the heart, putting her back together again.

Her happy peace moment was broken by the arrival of the ambulances. Owen's arms immediately withdrew and they all transferred into their medical mindset.


	3. Inside My Head

**Author's Note: I have realised that I haven't had an A/N with this story yet! How sad. So, welcome to Life in a Glasshouse! I like this story, so hopefully that should lead to regular updating. Also, it will be my summer holidays soon, so I will have oodles of time for writing! And posting, and other fanfiction-related things. So, enough from me. On with the chapter!**

Cristina slammed her tray down on the table, making the food shake, and flopped into her chair.

"What's wrong with you?" Alex asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Burke's back," Meredith replied, placing her tray next to Cristina's and sliding into her chair.

"Who's Burke?" Lexie asked. They all turned to look at her, faces completely blank, then returned to their food. Cristina stabbed a piece of salad particularly violently, then threw her fork onto her plate and leaned back in her chair.

"I'm stuck in peds again," Alex said, trying to break the tension. Cristina sat up and began to wave her hands frantically at him.

"I'll swap with you. Give me peds. You can have cardio."

"You're on Burke's case, aren't you?"

Cristina glared at him. "Just give me peds. Please, Alex. I'm actually begging you to swap right now."

"No way." Alex grinned. "I want to know what happens."

"Bastard," Cristina muttered, glaring at him as she slumped back in her chair again. She remained silent as the other three ate, trying to ignore Alex's conversation with Meredith.

"I bet she lasts two days before she jumps him."

Meredith tried to look disapproving, but gave up. "No, I think she might make three. But then it's all over." Cristina gave her a scandalised look.

"I am sitting _right here_, you do realise that, right? And I am _not_ going to jump Burke. I don't even want to."

"Are you sure?" Alex asked teasingly. "Not even a little bit?"

"Oh! Burke's the guy you were going to marry who left you at the church!" Lexie exclaimed.

Cristina grabbed her tray and stalked out of the cafeteria. Meredith looked at her sister with a very hypocritical reproving look.

"Lex, sometimes you need to know when to shut up."

* * *

Cristina shut the door of the linen closet and leaned her forehead against it. She didn't understand why she always ended up in this position, shut in a confined place, relying on something else for support, trying to hold back tears. This was not her. She had become a person she didn't recognize, emotional and hysterical. She'd become, well, Izzie. In fact, she and Izzie weren't so different. She'd been left by the man she had been about to marry, Izzie had been left by Alex. Izzie moved to another hospital to work, just like Burke. Alex was with Lexie, Cristina was with…Owen. Too many parallels could be drawn between her and the woman they all missed but wouldn't speak of.

"How did this happen?" Cristina said to the closet. "How did I turn into Izzie Stevens?" The closet gave her no answer, of course. Cristina sighed yet again.

She tried to hold back a sob, but did not quite succeed, and was met with a strangled hiccup. _If I am really Izzie, then this is a moment when I would let my emotions out._ And that is exactly what she did. Another sob built in her throat and she stumbled backwards until she hit the opposite wall. Her cheeks were saturated with tears, her body shaking as she grasped the shelves behind her. She held onto them as though they were the only thing left in the world as she cried.

* * *

"Dr Yang." Every time Burke spoke, it was like he was punching her in the stomach. She was at the opposite end of the corridor with her back to him. It was entirely plausible that she hadn't heard him. Cristina turned the corner and continued to walk. "Dr Yang," Burke called again, louder, more irritated. "Cristina!"

She stopped then. She did not turn around, but she stopped. She heard Burke's footsteps stop behind her. They stood in silence for a few seconds until Cristina turned her head to the left so she could speak over her shoulder, but kept her eyes carefully trained away from Burke.

"Don't call me that. Don't say my name."

"Dr Yang." His voice made her flinch, and though she tried to hide it she was certain that Burke had noticed. "I need another set of eyes to assess while I scan Mrs Colton, and I would like you to help me."

The knot in Cristina's stomach gave a painful twist. "Can Dr Grey not do it?" She still had her back to him.

"She could. But I don't want Meredith. I want you, Cristina," he reached out and stroked his fingers across her shoulder. Cristina spun around, slapping his hands away.

"I told you not to say my name!" And then Cristina made a terrible mistake: she looked up, into Burke's face and into his eyes. They were standing so close and his gaze was unavoidable, unbreakable. She could not even try to look away. He stared at her with the blank face of Preston Burke that Cristina knew far too well.

"Mrs Colton will be in the MRI room in an hour." And with that he turned and left Cristina standing immobilised in the middle of the hallway.

* * *

"Dr Burke." Derek leaned his forearms on the side of the walkway and joined his old friend in surveying the hospital from on high. Burke looked at him with a small smile. Derek returned it. He knew that Burke had hurt Cristina deeply and, in all fairness, he should take Meredith's side, which was most likely a loyal loathing of him. But Derek couldn't do that. He and Burke had been friends once, and he wasn't going to say that he hadn't missed him when he left Seattle Grace. They watched the hospital below, a constantly moving swarm of people, working, stressing, flirting, mourning. All the emotions of life came to being within these white walls.

"So how is Massachusetts General?" Derek asked. He knew where Burke worked now. He was famous; most of the medical world knew, except Cristina, who had studiously ignored all Burke-related medical journals, articles and conversations.

"Good. It's not as...exciting as Seattle Grace. More than once I have to wonder why I left," Burke said, grimacing slightly.

"More importantly, why have you come back? This patient is very interesting, certainly, but we have had quite a few interesting cases before now." Derek was almost challenging, trying to make Burke tell the truth. Surprisingly, it worked.

"I heard about the shooting," he was frowning now. "I was worried about you, about all of you. I needed to see if she - if you were alright."

Derek nodded. He pretended not to notice Burke's slip. "We're okay. We had some losses, people you don't know. We had a memorial service last week." Derek's mouth had become rather tight. He cleared his throat and stood up straight. "Do you want some coffee?"

"Definitely."

The two of them walked to the end of the walkway and into the Chief of Surgery's office. Burke sat on the sofa while Derek made coffee. After a few minutes he handed Burke a steaming cup and sank onto the sofa next to him.

"So. How does it feel to be the Chief?" Burke asked over the rim of his cup.

Derek took a large gulp of coffee before answering. He was slightly wary of this conversation. He was worried Burke was still angry that Derek was chosen and not him. "It has its benefits, as with any job. But there are downsides."

"Like what?"

"I have to slot Meredith into my timetable now." Derek felt a slight twinge in his stomach as he thought of Meredith. He was still reeling from the loss of their child and could not bear to imagine how she was feeling. "I don't sleep that much, but that was to be expected. It has the downsides that any job does." Derek did not want to say something that might set Burke off. The man was his friend, but he was volatile and Derek was not inclined to anger him. "But tell me about you. What have you been doing with yourself? Any interesting patients?"

"A few. Not like here. How is Dr Altman working out?"

Derek did not like where this was going. "She's excellent. A very gifted surgeon. Deals well under pressure, of course. That is one of the major advantages of her army work."

"You have two from the army, don't you? Dr Altman and...?"

"Dr Hunt," Derek muttered. Burke did not know about Owen's relationship with Cristina and Derek was not about to enlighten him. As much as Burke pretended, Derek was not sure he had completely let Cristina go. Unwilling to enter into a conversation about Owen, he decided to leave it there. "I'm sorry, Preston, but I have a surgery in an hour and I need to prep, so I'm going to have to leave you." He smiled, flashing his pearly teeth as they both stood up. He placed his mostly full cup of coffee on the table and escorted Burke out of his office.

* * *

Cristina turned over in the bed. Sleep had been eluding her for over three hours and she was ready to give up. She had successfully avoided Burke in the MRI room by sending Lexie to him instead. She was no longer her intern, but Lexie accepted as a peace offering for her tactlessness. Cristina looked at Owen's sleeping face, his mouth slightly open, a look of oblivious calm across his features. She traced a finger down his cheek, enjoying the slight scratch of his stubble against her skin. Owen shifted in his sleep, putting his arm across Cristina's waist and pulling her close to him. She settled her face against his chest and closed her eyes. Miraculously, she fell asleep.

_Cristina stared at the body at her feet. Owen was lying a pool of his own blood, which had poured out of three bullet holes in his chest. She fell to her knees, frantically trying to push the blood back into his body, pounding his chest as she tried to restart his bloodless heart, tears staining her cheeks. She looked around her, searching for someone to help and had to hold back a scream. Burke was standing over them, a smoking gun pointed at Owen's chest._

She screamed. She felt warm hands gripping her arms but she couldn't see them. She could see nothing but Burke's gun and Owen's bloodless body. She could hear nothing but her screaming. Someone was shaking. She barely noticed.

"Cristina!"

A man was yelling her name. She didn't stop screaming. Suddenly, the noise was cut of as someone pressed their lips against her own. She was so shocked that her voice caught in her throat. She blinked and saw Owen's blue eyes extremely close to her own. She felt his hands gripping her cheeks roughly. His lips were extremely warm. His cheeks were flushed with warm blood. He released her mouth from his and she collapsed into his chest. He lay on his side, pulling her with him. She rested her ear against his heart, wanting to hear its steady beat against her ear. His arms wrapped around her tightly and he stroked her back with one hand, murmuring into her hair all the while, soothing her. Her tears wetted his shirt but he said nothing. She clutched to his shirt in her hands, trying to remain as close to him and his heartbeat as possible. They lay there until for hours. The first fingers of dawn began to push through the edges of the curtains. Her mind was still filled with the images of last night. Whenever they began to overwhelm her she pressed herself closer to Owen and focused on his heartbeat, listening to each part of it. _Late diastole, atrial systole, isovolumic ventricular contraction, ventricular ejection, isovolumic ventricular relaxation._ She chanted this to herself as the heart pulsed until she felt calm again. Eventually, as the light leaking through the gaps in the curtains lit the room, the alarm next to the bed began its shrill ring. She felt Owen lean across her and turn it off. He returned his arm to her back and kissed the top of her head.

"Cristina," he whispered.

She lifted her face so that she could look him in the eyes. "I love you," she whispered back, then stretched to press her lips gently against his.

"I love you," he replied when they broke apart. Hearing the familiar words from him comforted her. She braced herself before sitting up. The blood rushed to her head and she had to remain still as her vision went black and the dizziness made her sway slightly. When it had passed, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. Owen took her hand and led her into the kitchen.

**A/N: So there we are. I think we all know what I want you to do. Review!**


	4. House of Cards

**Author's Note: We're on chapter 4 already? How did this happen? Please review! I do really like it.**

"Have you seen Cristina?" Lexie was out of breath, obviously having been running. Meredith removed her coffee cup from her mouth and shook her head as she swallowed the hot liquid.

"No. Why?"

"It's about Dr Burke." Lexie looked afraid, which raised alarm bells in Meredith's head.

"What about him?"

"I just need to find her." Lexie was looking over Meredith's shoulder, searching for Cristina.

"She's probably in the locker room," she said, figuring that, although she was intrigued, whatever Lexie told Cristina she would find out later.

"Thank you!" Lexie was already running in the direction of the residents' locker room. She burst through the door and almost cried out with relief when she saw Cristina sitting on one of the benches, tying her shoelaces. Cristina looked up at her, the familiar condescending look on her face as she watched Lexie pant heavily in the doorway. "Cristina...I..." Lexie had to gasp between each word, and she thought to herself that she really needed to get in shape. "Dr Burke...he..."

Cristina stood up at the mention of Burke's name. "Burke? What happened?"

Lexie leaned against the doorframe and caught her breath before speaking. "Yesterday, you told me to go to the MRI scan for Mrs Colton. But the scanning room was backed up when I arrived. And then," she took a large, steadying breath, "Burke came, and, obviously, he realised that I was, well, _me_, and not you. So he said he would not bother to wait for the scanner and he would do it tomorrow, which is now today. And he's looking for you."

"Why didn't you just make him wait?" Cristina snapped.

"I tried to, I really did, but – "

"Go away, Lexie."

Lexie scurried out of the room, leaving Cristina alone. She sank onto the bench again and kneaded her eyes with the heels of her hands so that little stars formed in her vision. She knew she would now have to face being alone in a room with Burke for at least a short while. She decided she might as well get it over with as quickly as possible. She lifted her head, blinking a few times to clear her vision before she stood up and pulled open the door of the locker room. The way her luck was going, she had expected to find Burke standing outside it, but he thankfully was not there. With a sense of resignation she left the safety of the room and went in search of Meredith, assuming that Burke would find her at some point. She spotted Meredith with Derek, smiling as he kissed her cheek. For a moment she resented them their perfect life, before she recalled all the trauma they had been through. If anyone deserved to be happy together, it was Derek and Meredith.

She decided that being near happy-families Meredith right now would only serve to make her more angry with her current situation of romantic turmoil. She headed for the cafeteria and, once she had her coffee in hand, turned to leave only to find Burke standing behind her. His expression was far from happy.

"Dr Yang." He was using her surname, which meant that he was angry with her. "I specifically asked for _you_ to help me look over the scans. I did not ask you to send Dr Grey. You are lucky enough that the scanning room was full, so you will be able to look over the scans with me after lunch. You will take care of Mrs Colton and page me when she is in the scanner. And if you send some other surgeon to do your job, I will make sure that there are severe consequences." Burke gave her no chance to reply, but simply left her standing in shock in the middle of the cafeteria.

_Pull yourself together_, Cristina thought to herself after a few moments. _You knew he would be angry; just forget about it._ She dropped her coffee in the bin on the way out of the cafeteria. She no longer wanted it.

* * *

Meredith found Cristina at lunch. She was sitting alone at a table in the cafeteria, once more stabbing at her food with her fork. Just as she gave a particularly vindictive jab and skewered a lettuce leaf, Meredith sat in the chair next to her.

"Are you actually going to eat your food, or are you just going to kill it?" When Cristina gave no reply, Meredith shrugged and began to eat. "You know," she said conversationally, "you've become really boring since Burke arrived. All you do is glare and stab your food."

Cristina grabbed her tray and left.

"And flounce out of rooms," Meredith muttered to herself. After a few minutes of eating alone, she was about to give up and leave when Alex sat down beside her.

"Is she still pissed?" He asked, shovelling food into his mouth.

"Who?"

"Who do you think?"

Meredith shrugged again. "Yeah. But I think she's in denial. She won't accept it's really happening, which is why she keeps trying to avoid it."

"Do we know why he's here yet?"

"No idea. I don't think I want to know." They didn't talk more about Burke or Cristina, but made normal conversation until they had finished eating. Neither of them was in the mood to speculate about Burke's motives. When she had put her tray away, Meredith realised that she should probably find Cristina. Saying goodbye to Alex, she headed up to the cardio floor, figuring that her friend would probably be there. Even with Burke roaming the halls, Cristina would not want to be in any other part of the hospital.

Meredith had not spoken to Burke since he had arrived. In fact, she had tried rather hard to avoid any contact with him outside the four walls of Mrs Colton's room. She did this partially out of loyalty to Cristina, but partially because she didn't know if she could stop herself from screaming at him. He had hurt her friend and, for Meredith, it still ran extremely deep.

She stepped out of the elevator and onto the busy cardio floor. She scanned each room she passed, looking for Cristina. As she walked further down the hall she began to suspect that she knew where Cristina was. Sure enough, when Meredith reached room 3266 Cristina was standing by Mrs Colton's bed, reading off her stats. She leant against the doorframe and waited.

"Okay, you are stable and I will take you down to the scanning room in fifteen minutes," Cristina told Mrs Colton as she scribbled something on the chart in her hands. She looked up and gave the patient a slight smile. "I will be back soon."

"Thank you," replied Mrs Colton, returning Cristina's smile with great warmth. Meredith stepped aside to allow Cristina to leave the room, then followed her to the nurses' station.

"So," she said. "Your amazing plan to evade Burke in the scanning room didn't work."

"Evidently not." Cristina was still looking at the chart, flicking through the pages. Meredith leant over and slammed the chart shut.

"What is going on?" She asked, now that she had Cristina's attention.

Cristina looked at Meredith, and the she snapped. "I don't know, Meredith. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that I'm all messed up because Burke's back? That I don't even want to go to work because I'm afraid to see him? That I don't want my boyfriend to find out my ex-fiancé is here because thinking about both of them at the same time makes my head hurt?" Her voice had been getting louder as she spoke, but the next thing she said was very quiet. "That I'm afraid that you're right? That I'm afraid that you're right that I'm not over him. That he has an affect on me. Did you want me to tell you all that, Meredith? Because I feel so much _better_ now." And with that, she stormed away, leaving Mrs Colton's chart and a stunned Meredith Grey behind her.

* * *

Cristina stood and watched the screen intently as the scans came through. She was trying to forget about her fight with Meredith as she watched the images form in front of her. She was just examining something that did not look quite right when she heard the door shut quietly. She looked up. Burke was standing behind her and he bent over to look at the scans.

"The schwannoma's grown. It's pushing against the nerve more than it was before. We will need to operate sooner than I thought." Burke's face was inches from Cristina's and he was standing far closer than was necessary in an empty room with plenty of space to fill. Cristina turned on the spot and was about to attempt to leave, but Burke's arm cut her off. He was reaching across to press the button on the wall that allowed him to speak through the intercom. As he did so, his body pressed against Cristina's in a way that could not be accidental.

"Thank you, you can take Mrs Colton back to her room now," he said to the nurse in the other room. He released the intercom button and withdrew his arm. He and Cristina were standing extremely close to each other. She tried to leave again, but Burke grabbed her arm, holding her in place.

"You can't keep avoiding me, Cristina." He released her arm and tilted her chin towards him, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

"Why are you here?" she asked, trying to put as much hatred into her eyes as possible and not quite succeeding. Burke did not reply, stroking her cheek gently with his thumb. Cristina wanted to hit him, but her arms were trapped beneath his weight and the warmth of his skin against her cheek was confusing her. Her breathing was slightly uneven and her eyes flickered down, trying to see his hand on her face. "Why are you here?" She repeated, unable to look him in the eye. Burke leaned his face closer to her own so that it was impossible for her not to meet his gaze. His nose almost grazed her own and when he whispered his hot breath hit her lips.

"I missed you." The three words made all sensible thoughts leave Cristina's head. Perhaps it was because when he spoke she smelt the familiar smell of his breath, or perhaps because the warmth of his body against her was distracting her, but when Burke leaned closer to her she did not protest. And when he pressed his lips against her own, she gasped, but she did not push him away. At first it was gentle, sweet and comforting. But then he ran the tip of his tongue along her bottom lip, causing her mouth to open. As his tongue enetered her mouth, he suddenly became more insistent, his hand left her face and tangled in her hair as he pressed more firmly against her. Cristina responded, wrapping her arms around him, one hand on his back and one on the back of his neck, pulling him closer to her. Everything about Burke was the same. He kissed her just as he had kissed her before; he held her waist the way he used to; he murmured her name against her lips the way she remembered. But then Cristina remembered something else. This was Burke. Burke, who had left and never spoken to her again. Burke, who was no longer her boyfriend. Burke, who was not and never would be Owen Hunt.

She pulled away suddenly. Burke looked at her with a dazed expression, a small smile on his face. He caught sight of Cristina's horrified expression and his smile faltered.

"Get away from me." She pushed on Burke's chest.

"Cristina – "

"Get away from me!" Cristina shoved Burke in the chest so that he stumbled backwards. She couldn't stand to look at him. She hated herself for what she had allowed to happen. At that moment the door opened and Cristina truly believed that someone was trying to make her life a living hell. Owen walked through the door, looking down at the chart he was holding. He realised there were two other people in the room and looked up to find both Burke and Cristina staring at him.


	5. Sulk

"You must be Dr Burke." Owen held out his hand to the man, completely oblivious to what had just passed between Burke and Cristina.

"Yes," Burke smiled, accepting the handshake. "And you are?"

"Dr Owen Hunt, Head of Trauma. You're here with a schwannoma, I hear." Owen was not returning Burke's smile. His eyes flickered to Cristina, then back to Burke.

"Yes. There have been complications, so we are going to have to operate sooner than I thought." Burke was, at this moment, completely unaware of Owen's relationship with Cristina, for which Cristina was extremely grateful. She was hoping to keep it that way for just a little while longer. However, this was one of those moments that Owen did not read her mind and see exactly what she wanted. He nodded to Burke, then turned to Cristina. He walked towards her, and already Cristina could tell what was coming. Owen cupped her chin with one hand, leaned down and kissed her gently. He broke the kiss after a few seconds, but did not pull away. He kept his face next to Cristina's, their noses touching, their breath mingling. She knew what he was doing; he was staking his claim. She suddenly felt sick. She hoped he could not taste Burke on her lips, could not smell him on her skin. She begged, to whom she did not know, that he did not realise what Cristina had just done.

Owen did not realise. He moved his face away from Cristina's, trailing a finger down her cheek.

"If you don't mind," he said, grinning, "I need to use this room."

Cristina nodded fervently. She tried to smile, but only managed a slight twitch at the corners of her mouth. She looked up and saw that Burke was still in the room. He was glaring at Owen. Cristina quickly moved away; she needed to be out of this room. Thankfully, Burke followed her out, not saying a word to Owen. Cristina could hear him behind her, so she quickened her pace. Burke quickened his. He grabbed her wrist and spun her to face him. She couldn't ignore him.

"Don't talk to me. Just…don't, okay? You have no control over who I date, who I…You lost that right when you left, so just don't talk to me." She wrenched her wrist from him. Cristina walked away, knowing that he would not follow her. Having turned the corner, she once again found the nearest supply closet and shut herself in it. She sat behind a shelf, hidden from the door, her head resting against hospital blankets and trays of sterile syringes. She needed to be free of both of them, just for a moment. She closed her eyes, letting her head lean heavily on the shelf behind her.

"Cristina. Cristina!"

Cristina blinked slowly, opening her eyes. She must have fallen asleep in the supply closet, and Meredith was now standing over her, looking slightly worried. Cristina held tight to the shelf as she stood up, feeling the slight dizziness that comes with unexpected awakenings. She swayed and grabbed Meredith's arm. Her friend still looked concerned.

"Oh, stop looking at me like that, I'm fine. I just didn't have the best night's sleep." Cristina could not quite look Meredith in the eyes. She had just recalled what had happened in the scanning room and she was feeling slightly sick. "What time is it?"

"It's two. But seriously, what is going on with you? What did Burke do to you in the scanning room?"

"Why?" Cristina asked, panic edging into her voice. Meredith couldn't know. Not already. "I mean, nothing. Nothing happened." She was talking too quickly for Meredith not to notice. Meredith stared at Cristina for a moment, and then comprehension dawned across her features.

"Oh my God! You kissed him, didn't you?" She looked at Cristina, hoping that she was wrong. But Cristina winced at Meredith's words, and a look of extreme guilt came across her face.

"I...I don't know what happened." Her voice was quiet, defeated.

"Are you going to tell Owen? Does Burke even know about Owen?"

"He does now."

A frown formed between Meredith's eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

Cristina had been looking at the floor, but now she took a deep breath and raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Owen walked in on us." Meredith opened her mouth, but Cristina continued to speak. "Not when we were... After I had pushed Burke away. He didn't know that anything had happened, but he knew it was Burke, so he made a show out of, well, claiming me as his own. He has no idea about..." She couldn't finish it. She couldn't say it out loud. Suddenly, Meredith's palm connected extremely hard with Cristina's cheek. "Ow! What was that for?" Cristina was looking Meredith in the eyes now, holding her reddening cheek with one hand.

"Snap out of it. Stop letting Burke get to you. Stop moping around the hospital, hiding in supply closets -"

"I'm not hiding!"

Meredith slapped her again. "Stop doing this to yourself. Stop torturing yourself over Burke and then feeling guilty because of Owen. Stop letting Burke trap you again. You're in the dark place. In fact, you're in the place even darker than the dark place, and I get that. But now you have to stop being all dark and twisty. Now you have to remember Owen. Remember Owen, and remind yourself how much better off you are now."

There was silence for a little while, in which Cristina stared at Meredith. She was in a slight state of shock. Eventually, she replied, but she could only whisper. "Thank you." She wrapped her arms around Meredith and buried her face in Meredith's shoulder.

"I'm your person. It's what I do." She had embraced Cristina in return and was gently stroking her hair. Cristina tightened her grip around Meredith.

"I don't know what to do, Mer. Should I tell him?" She asked into Meredith's shoulder. She was feeling extremely vulnerable and she did not enjoy it.

"I think," Meredith paused before continuing, "that it wouldn't help anyone. Just don't do it again."

"I won't. I couldn't stand it." The pair embraced for a minute longer, then Cristina pulled back. "I should probably go and check on Mrs Colton."

"Oh, yeah, Burke told us her tumour's growing. He's going to operate soon, preferably the day after tomorrow."

"He's operating in two days?" Cristina sounded a little hysterical, which was something for her.

"What's wrong?"

Cristina groaned before replying. "I have to prepare myself for hours of being stuck in a room with Burke, a lot of sharp objects, and Owen watching from the gallery. This is going to be _fun_." She banged her head against the shelf behind her in frustration and gave a gasp of pain. She held her hand to the now throbbing back of her head and bit her lip to hold back a whimper.

"Ow," said Meredith in sympathy. "Come on, suck it up, we have a woman with a growing tumour to see."

Cristina groaned again, but followed Meredith out of the supply closet. They made their way to the cardio wing and Cristina was extremely thankful that Burke was nowhere to be found. They checked on Mrs Colton, who was by now well aware that her tumour was growing and would have to be removed sooner than expected, hence becoming rather snappy. Having apologised for harassing her, they backed out of her room and made their way to the nurses' station to return her chart.

"You know," Cristina said as she put the chart in the rack, "I think all this Burke stuff is bad, and then I realise that at least I don't have a schwannoma attached to my aorta."

"I get that. Oh, Owen." Meredith gestured behind Cristina, who turned around to see him making his way over to them. "I have to find Derek." Meredith disappeared quickly, leaving Cristina to face Owen alone.

"What are you doing in the cardio wing?" She asked Owen as soon as he reached her.

"Looking for you." He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. She breathed in his Owen smell, remembering what Meredith had told her to do. She thought about how great she had it, right at this moment. However, as wonderful as this was, Cristina could not push the thought of Burke from her mind. She did not understand how she had let it carry on that long. It had just felt so nice. She hadn't wanted to kiss him, but as soon as his lips touched hers, it was like being an intern again, in the on-call room, kissing an attending with complete abandon and a feeling of recklessness and knowledge that it was completely not allowed. Perhaps it was that sense of the forbidden that had drawn her to it; nobody could tell Cristina Yang what to do. She suddenly remembered where she was, in whose arms she was being held, and she felt extremely guilty. She buried her face in Owen's chest and tried to stop herself from thinking of Burke.

"Have you seen Teddy today?" She asked into his chest. It was the only thing she could think of to say, and she needed to say something to distract herself from the thought of what happened in the scanning room. Owen looked down at her, a slight frown between his brows.

"No. Why?"

"I was just wondering. I don't know if she's too happy about Burke coming in and taking over her cardio wing."

"I can understand that." Owen's frown had deepened, and he was looking over Cristina's head now, staring at the floor a few feet ahead of them. Cristina sensed the harshness in his voice and felt it best not to raise her head. She pulled Owen closer to her in an attempt to prove that he need not be worried about Burke. She felt this movement to be a lie - there certainly was need for Owen to be worried. In fact, he should probably bypass worry and go straight to blazing anger. She did not want to imagine what he would have done if he had walked into the scanning room just a few moments earlier. She once again tried to push the thoughts from her mind, stop dragging herself back through the dark place, but she couldn't help it. She stepped away from Owen, not looking him in the eyes.

"I have to go. I have to...I have to go." She turned away without looking at him and began to walk towards the elevator.

"Cristina." She ignored him, pretending she hadn't heard. Being near him was too much. She knew if he came close to her again she would blurt it out, and she wasn't prepared for the consequences of that confession. She needed some time away from Owen, time in which to think about what had happened and remove all urges to tell him out of her system. Essentially, she needed Meredith, dancing, and a large bottle of tequila.

She found Meredith sitting on a gurney in the galley, charting. She hopped onto the gurney beside her and lay down.

"Is Derek on call tonight?" She asked from her horizontal position.

"Nope," Meredith replied, not looking up from her charts.

"Can you make him sleep on the sofa, then?"

"Yeah, if I want no sex for a week."

"Mer," Cristina craned her neck backwards to look up at Meredith, who finally lifted her eyes from her charts. She saw the pleading look in Cristina's eyes.

"Sure. He can sleep on the sofa. Do you want me to bring tequila?"

"Yes." She looked up at the ceiling again and Meredith returned to her charts. They remained there in silence until Cristina's pager went off. She looked at the name on the screen.

"It's Bailey."

Meredith's pager started to beep as well. She looked at the name to confirm they were both being called, which most likely meant that Alex would be receiving the same page. They stood up, Meredith leaving her charts on the gurney to return to later. They could guess why Bailey was paging them, and sure enough they found her just outside the ER. Alex and Avery joined them, as did most of the interns.

"Okay, people," Bailey called out to all of them. "There is a massive trauma coming in. There was a bomb in an apartment building, so we are talking burns, smoke in the lungs, broken bones, just about everything you can have. We have a large number of victims, so you will need to work quickly." She nodded at them all once, then pushed open the doors and led the way into the ER. There were huge numbers of people already there, most of them victims of the accident. So far, most of the injuries looked fairly minor, so they were probably the people furthest away from the bomb when it went off. "I do not understand why they bring the less injured people first and fill up the beds that could be used by the dying people," Bailey said, frustrated. "Grey," she motioned to Lexie, "find two other interns and take some of these people to the clinic. Take those with the most minor injuries and treat them there." Lexie nodded at Bailey and took one of Meredith's interns and one of Alex's, leading them towards the patients. Bailey turned to the residents. "You four, get your interns people to suture then meet me in the Pit." They nodded at her and began dispatching their interns.

* * *

Cristina pushed open the door to Meredith's room to find her and Derek sitting in the bed together, halfway through a conversation. Derek looked up at Cristina and nodded, a hint of a long-suffering smile on his face.

"Ah. I'll go and make myself comfortable on the sofa." He leant across to give Meredith a kiss, then flipped back the covers and grabbed a pillow and the blanket from the end of the bed before leaving.

Cristina kicked the door closed with her foot, dropped her bag and coat on the floor and clambered into the bed. She moved close to Meredith and laid her head on her shoulder. Meredith picked up a bottle of tequila waiting on her bedside table and unscrewed the lid, handing it to Cristina. She took a swig, then closed her eyes, letting the bottle sit in her lap, gripped loosely in her hand.

"My guy died. We managed to re-attach his entire leg and three of his fingers, but his heart gave out." She opened her eyes to take another swig of tequila.

"My guy had to have half of his bowel removed because a chair leg was lodged in his abdomen, and he lost his sight. Now he's a blind artist with half a bowel."

Cristina handed her the bottle. Meredith drank for a few seconds, then lowered the bottle and spoke again.

"Do you want to dance?"

"Give me another hour with the tequila. Then we'll dance."

**Author's Note: Haven't updated for ages as my computer got an evil virus of DOOM, which wouldn't let me open any programs apart from the internet. So if something called Antimalware Doctor appears on your computer, find someone who knows what they are doing to get rid of it because it is EVIL. I got by because my phone had Word, but now my phone is dead, so I've lost half of chapter 6. Sigh. But I've moaned enough now. Hope you liked it, please review!**


	6. These Are My Twisted Words

**Author's Note: Yes, yes, I know, I haven't updated in ages. But my computer had a virus and then I went away for a week and now I'm spending my days on a guitar course (I can now play The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars on guitar which makes me SO HAPPY) so those are my excuses. But now it's here, so please review!**

"Where were you last night?"

Cristina continued to scribble on the chart in front of her. She was not in the mood for this conversation. She had a pounding headache, thanks to three quarters of a bottle of tequila, some red wine, a few sips of whatever that was at the back of Meredith's liquor closet and a disgusting amount of vodka.

"With Meredith."

Owen walked around to lean on the nurses' station beside her, his face worried.

"Cristina, what is going on?"

She sighed and slammed the chart shut.

"Nothing." Without looking at Owen, she turned and left. Cristina pressed her thumb and forefinger between her eyebrows as she walked, trying to alleviate some of the pain.

"My head hurts," Meredith said, joining Cristina in her walk towards the elevator. Cristina simply groaned in response, lowering her hand and opening her eyes, before quickly snapping them shut again as the sudden light made her head spin. The two of them entered the elevator and leaned heavily against the wall. Cristina was squinting, gently adjusting her eyes to the fluorescent lights. Meredith continued to speak. "I think maybe the sixth shot of vodka was a bad idea." They stood in silence for the remainder of the elevator's trundle to the ER floor. Stumbling out of it, they reached Bailey and started to put on scrubs. The tiny surgeon looked at them with a frown.

"You two are hung over. No, don't put those on. Go. Drink water. Come back when you're sober."

"But, Dr Bailey – "

"Go!"

They threw down their scrubs and left the ER, swinging by the cafeteria to grab bottles of water before going to the nearest on-call room. Cristina took the top bunk, Meredith the bottom, and they lay there, drinking water, not speaking because it would make their heads pound even more. Cristina finished her bottle of water first, her head feeling a lot clearer. She tapped her hand on the side of the bunk and Meredith passed her another bottle. She twisted the cap off and took a swig.

"I'm sick of men. Maybe I should do what Callie did and become a lesbian."

"You're going towards the dark place again," Meredith warned her.

"No, I'm not. I'm going to the light place. It's nice here, you should visit. We have lesbians and tequila and lots and lots of solo surgeries."

"I'm not going near anywhere that has tequila."

"Fair point. Fine, we have really, really good coffee."

Meredith laughed softly. "You'd be a terrible lesbian."

"Yeah, I suppose I'll just have to stick it out. Do you think there is any way that you can scrub in with Burke instead of me?"

"No, Burke wouldn't agree to it."

"He doesn't work here any more – he has no control over which surgeries I scrub in on. Can't you ask Derek to get me back on his case?"

"I already did. He says there's nothing he can do. Apparently the Chief of Surgery doesn't have power over ex-employees." Cristina could practically hear Meredith rolling her eyes. "It's just one surgery. Concentrate on the cutting and don't think about Burke."

"Oh, that will be easy. Because he's not likely to want to have a friendly little chat over a tumour."

"Cristina, nothing is going to happen because you are not going to _let_ anything happen."

Cristina took another gulp of water and didn't reply.

"Cristina?"

"Yes, yes, I'll be very controlled and I won't let him and his stupid polo-necks get to me. Fine. I understand."

Meredith thought it best to let her calm down, so they lay in silence for another fifteen minutes until the headaches subsided to a dull throb. Cristina swung her legs over the edge of the top bunk and jumped off, which, Meredith knew, was the indication that they were to leave now. She pushed herself off the bed and followed her friend down the hospital hallways. They were about to step into the elevator once more when a voice called behind them.

"Dr Yang."

Meredith saw Cristina bite her lip and she could tell she was bracing herself. She turned when Cristina did.

"Dr Burke." Cristina's tone was emotionless and her eyes did not quite meet the man's.

"I wanted to discuss the surgery with you. There are a few things we need to go over before tomorrow."

Meredith was watching Cristina, and she saw her eyes widen – the only change in her face that showed how much she did not want to have this conversation.

"Okay. Now?"

"Yes. Now. In the skills lab, because I may want to demonstrate some things."

Cristina nodded and began to walk in the direction of the skills lab, not looking at Meredith and letting Burke follow her.

* * *

"I've decided to start the removal at this point on the tumour," Burke pointed at the MRI on the light box, still holding the scalpel he had been using to demonstrate in his other hand, "because it gives me the most leverage. I've tested it on a model I had made up."

"Have you tested it since the tumour grew?"

"Yes. It works almost exactly the same. Luckily, the tumour is just growing in size, not changing shape. Now, I think that is almost everything I wanted to talk about."

Cristina had to stop herself sighing with relief. She was more than ready to leave the conveniently empty skills lab and get away from Burke.

"The last thing I wanted to discuss. Are you in a serious relationship with Dr Hunt?"

Cristina actually looked Burke in the eye for the first time that day. She had not been expecting that and she was gaping at him.

"I…what does that have to do with the surgery?"

"Nothing. I just want to know."

"It is absolutely none of your business."

"Cristina." Burke stared at her, his eyes hard. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, feeling utterly foolish, then gave a weak laugh.

"Yes. Yes, I am. I am totally and utterly in love with him. Are we done now?"

Burke nodded, dropping her gaze and Cristina left the room as quickly as she could. She would hit something if it wouldn't damage her surgeon hands. She did not understand how one man could make her so _angry_. He barely had to do anything and she was already fuming. He asked her a question that, yes, was quite unexpected and not appropriate coming from an ex-fiancé in a work environment, but Cristina was completely infuriated. Suddenly, someone grabbed her wrist, tugging her through a door. She looked up and saw she was in a linen closet with Owen standing in front of her.

"We are talking. _Now_."

Cristina rolled her eyes, avoiding looking at him for too long. "About what?"

Owen grabbed her shoulders, shaking her slightly to make her look at him again. She stared at his eyebrow, hoping he would be fooled.

"What is wrong with you? Why are you avoiding me? And _why_ will you not look me in the eye?"

She closed her eyes and pursed her lips for a second.

"Nothing is wrong. I'm not avoiding you." She was lying through her teeth and she was sure he knew.

"I'm not buying that." He was still holding her by the shoulders, but she wriggled slightly and he dropped his hands. She was staring at the floor, but she could see out of the corner of her eye that he looked worried. She forced herself to look him directly in the eye and give a tiny smile.

"I'm fine, stop stressing." He opened his mouth to reply, but she pulled him towards her and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck. She hoped it would distract him enough that he would stop asking her questions she did not want to answer. "I love you," she whispered against his skin. Owen, however, did not reply as he normally did.

"Are you sure nothing has happened?"

"Yes, I'm sure." _If you count making out with my ex-fiancé as nothing._

"Is it Burke?"

She stepped away from him quickly, not looking at him again.

_Yes._ "No. Let's not talk about him. I'm fine, everything is fine."

Owen sighed and she could tell he had given up. He trailed his finger down her arm and took her hand. He tugged her towards him and hugged her. If she wouldn't tell him what was wrong, he would still try to make her feel better. Cristina loved that, and she wrapped her arms very tightly around his waist to show that she was grateful. Owen leaned back to look at his watch, one arm still around her.

"I have a surgery in half an hour. I should be prepping now." He looked down and smiled at her. She tipped her chin upwards and kissed him.

"Go," she said, letting go of him. "Be amazing, I'll see you later."

"Are you on call tonight?"

"No."

"Good, nor am I. Do you want to order in Chinese food?"

She grinned, liking the sound of that idea. "Yeah." He kissed her again and left the linen closet.

* * *

Cristina entered her flat to find Owen already there. He was stretched out on the sofa watching TV. She walked over to him, tapped his legs so that he lifted them, sat down and allowed him to rest his legs on her lap.

"How was your surgery?" She asked, leaning into the sofa as she half-watched what was on the screen.

"She almost crashed in the middle, but other than that it went well. What did you do?"

"Nothing. I can't do anything until Mrs Colton's surgery tomorrow. I can't do any other surgeries in case something happens and she needs to be operated on. Of course, she was absolutely fine, so I just spent a day drinking coffee in the clinic."

"Mmm, sounds like your ideal day." Owen was smirking at her.

"Oh, shut up," she said, slapping his leg. "You get all your great surgeries while I sit around because my ex-fiancé feels like torturing me."

Owen stopped smiling immediately and Cristina realised what she'd said.

"I didn't – "

"Is he doing this to hurt you?" He was starting to look angry, which made Cristina worried as to what he would do.

"No. Well, yes. Sort of. But not in a vindictive way. More he doesn't know he's hurting me."

Owen removed his legs from her lap and sat up beside her.

"What has he said to you?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie."

"He asked if we were in a serious relationship."

"What did you say?"

"Yes, obviously."

"You're not telling me everything."

"There's nothing more to tell!"

"Cristina, what has he _done_?"

Cristina stood up.

"Nothing!" She yelled. "He hasn't done anything! Leave me alone!" She ran to her bedroom and slammed the door. She sat on the end of her bed. She had nearly told him, nearly ruined their whole relationship. She blinked repeatedly, forcing back tears. Burke was doing it again. He was taking a part of her. He was tearing it away from her. He was taking Owen.


	7. Lozenge of Love

Cristina woke up alone. She ate breakfast by herself at the kitchen island. She drank orange juice from the carton – the same carton Callie drank from, but she didn't care. She chewed her way through half a piece of toast before giving up and going to work early. She took her time in the residents lounge; it was only seven. The hospital was pretty empty. Most of the patients were sleeping and the doctors that weren't on call wouldn't be in for another hour or two. She went to the ER, thinking that she might as well get some sutures in before rounds. She stepped out of the elevator, saw a very familiar head of red hair and turned right back around again. She should have known he would be at work, even though his shift didn't start until nine. Owen had two distractions: work and Cristina. Therefore, as Cristina was the thing he needed to be distracted from, he was throwing himself into work. Cristina was doing just the same. Except now she had no work to throw herself into. There was only one place to go to: Amanda Colton's room.

She took the stairs to the cardio wing to waste time, and she hoped that Amanda was awake. Cristina could not think of anything else she could do. Thankfully, when she entered the room Mrs Colton was sitting up in her bed, talking to her husband.

"Good morning, Mrs Colton."

"Good morning. Dr Yang, is it?"

"Yes."

"Are you still assisting Dr Burke today?"

"I am." _Although I wish I wasn't. _"Do you have any questions for me?"

"Oh, no, Dr Burke answered them all for me yesterday."

"Good. Your surgery's scheduled for three this afternoon. If you need anything from me, just ask one of the nurses to page me." Cristina had nothing better to do with her time that day, so she might as well let Mrs Colton call her up for nothing. Besides, the woman was handling this whole situation extremely well, so she deserved to be well cared for.

"Thank you, Dr Yang."

"You're welcome." Cristina gave her doctor smile and left. She still had forty minutes to kill, which only left her with the option of coffee and maybe a muffin. She sipped her coffee slowly, picking her muffin to pieces once she had eaten the top because she didn't like the rest of it.

Meredith flopped onto the seat across from her and reached across to grab some of the remainders of the muffin.

"Why are you here?" Cristina asked. "Your shift doesn't start for another half hour."

"Married to the Chief of Surgery and too lazy to drive. Anyway, I could ask you the same question."

"I…woke up early." Cristina looked down at the muffin.

"Where's Owen?"

"No idea. " She picked up a crumb and ate it.

"In the ER, I guess."

"Did you have an argument?"

Sometimes Cristina wished that Meredith did not know her as well as she did.

"Yes."

"Was it about Burke?"

Cristina looked up from the crumbs she had been pushing around her plate.

"Yes."

Meredith didn't reply, but after a few seconds she stood up. She beckoned to Cristina, but she stayed where she was.

"What?" She asked.

"We're going to find some cadavers. You need to cut something." Meredith walked to the exit and this time Cristina followed. They went to the basement of the hospital to a room where Meredith knew the interns were practising. Of course, they were in the hospital because interns don't have time off. She shooed them out, staring them down when they protested, and led Cristina towards the one cadaver as of yet untouched by the interns.

"Cut," she ordered, handing Cristina a scalpel. She went about clearing up and moving the couple of cadavers into the room next door to allow the interns to continue. She did not feel like making them suffer any more and it wasn't like she wanted them to fail their intern exams. And leaving the cadavers out like that was disrespectful. When she returned to the silent basement room it was to find Cristina standing as she had left her, scalpel in hand, the body untouched.

"Cristina?" For Cristina to be given the option to cut and not take it was unheard of. There was no reply, so Meredith went to stand beside her. "Cristina, why are you just standing there?"

"I need to talk to Owen." She put down the scalpel and turned towards the door.

"What is wrong with you?" Once more Meredith got no reply. Her friend left the room silently and she was left alone.

Cristina climbed the stairs out of the basement, heading for the ER first as that was where he was most likely to be. She had realised as she stood alone with a scalpel and a donated body that what she was doing was ridiculous. She could not fight with Owen just because Burke was upsetting her. She needed to fix it.

Owen was not in the ER, which was unusual, so Cristina headed for the main floor. It was amazing how a hospital could become so busy in such a short space of time. The halls were noisy and the elevator was filled with people making their way to their respective departments. Cristina squeezed in, wishing the hospital had stayed empty so she could find Owen. However, as soon as she stepped out of the elevator she no longer needed to search. She found the person she was looking for, along with the person she least wanted to see. Standing a little away from the nurses' station was Owen, having an obviously heated conversation with Preston Burke. She walked slowly towards them, certain she knew what they were talking about. She stopped out of their line of sight, near enough to hear what they were saying. Well, Owen was doing all the talking. Burke was listening with his hands on his hips and a slight frown.

"You cannot treat her differently from everyone else. It is cruel, not to mention unprofessional. I do not care about your past; this is not the place for your behaviour."

Burke rocked back on his heels a few times, seemingly thinking of a reply.

"I understand, Dr Hunt. I appreciate your professional opinion. But I'm intrigued: what is your personal opinion, as her_ partner_?"

Cristina knew Burke was deliberately trying to wind Owen up, and she could tell it was working. She watched Owen's hands clench into fists and knew she had to step in before he did something he'd regret in front of the whole hospital. She moved towards them.

"Owen." She grabbed his hand. Both men looked at her in shock, having not known she was anywhere nearby. She didn't look at Burke, but kept her eyes trained on Owen. "It's not worth it." She tugged on his hand slightly and the fist relaxed, his fingers entwining with her own. She pulled again and he got the message. He walked away, not giving Burke another look, still holding Cristina's hand. Once they rounded the corner he pulled her into an empty consulting room.

"I'm sorry," he said, cupping her face in his hands, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I didn't –"

"Ssh, it's okay. It was me. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

Owen leaned in and kissed, then rested his forehead against hers with a sigh.

"I don't like it when we fight," he said.

"Let's not do it, then."

Owen gave a soft chuckle and kissed her again. After a few moments, Cristina leaned back to look at him.

"Move in with me," she said.

"What?"

"Move in with me. Into my flat. You practically live there anyway, it's not like it would be all that diff –"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes. I will move in with you."

Cristina visibly relaxed, her shoulders slumping a little, and she grinned. She jumped slightly and wrapped her arms tightly around Owen's neck. He chuckled in her ear, swinging her from side to side. He was holding her around the waist so that the toes of her shoes just brushed against the floor. She lifted her legs and wrapped them around his hips, kissing him. She didn't care about Burke. So what if she kissed him once? She could forget about it so easily. She had Owen, and that was all she needed. She broke the kiss, still smiling widely.

"I love you."

"Love you, too," he said. He was laughing, and she knew that she must look a bit ridiculous, but she just didn't care.

"What do you have to do this morning?"

"Hmm, nothing?"

"Good." She leant towards him and pressed her lips against his.

* * *

"Beginning removal of tumour," Burke said. He leant closer towards the woman lying on the table, his scalpel moving assuredly towards the mass. Cristina stood beside him, holding the suction. She leaned in with him, eager to see every movement of his scalpel. So far the surgery had been fairly routine, but now was the exciting bit. Burke was taking it very slowly, carefully cutting all around the edge of the mass so that he could lift it off. Cristina watched, entranced. She had forgotten what it felt like to be in an OR with Burke. It was exhilarating and she loved it. She had forgotten the ease with which he held the scalpel, the beautiful way he cut. She had forgotten how talented he was. She kept the suction going for the next couple of hours as he diligently cut disease from flesh.

"Dammit!"

There was more blood than there should be. It was flowing into the chest cavity, pooling before Cristina had a chance to use the suction. The machine couldn't get rid of it all.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I nicked one of the arteries. Dammit, I hate being this close to the aorta."

"Can you tell where it is?"

"No!" Burkes hands were moving frantically searching for the tiny hole.

"Let me do it," Cristina said.

"Dr Yang, now is really not the time."

"My fingers are smaller, let me do it!"

Burke looked at her for a second, then nodded, swiftly withdrawing his hands. Cristina handed him the suction and they switched places. She put her one hand into the chest cavity, holding up the tumour with the other so that she could reach underneath. She felt around blindly. It seemed hopeless – there was so much blood, so many veins, so many arteries. The machines were beeping frantically.

"There!"

"Clamp it. I'll hold the mass." Burke took the weight from her hand, replacing it with a clamp. She reached inside, careful not to cause any more damage. She clamped the artery and immediately saw the effects. The pooling blood disappeared up the suction tube and the way was clear again. The machines returned to their regular beeping and the OR relaxed.

"Well done. I'll do a graft once we've got the tumour out," Burke said. He held the suction out to her and she took it, moving back to her former position, her gloves red. The rest of the surgery went slowly, but there were no more complications. Burke passed minefield of the aorta with a triumphant noise and continued with the surgery with a smile. Finally, he lifted the mass from Amanda Colton's body. As he put it in a bowl to be disposed of, Burke's eyes met Cristina's and they smiled at each other, relieved.

"Dr Yang, would you like to the graft?"

"I…" Her grin widened behind her mask. "Yes, I'd love to."

Burke moved to let her stand in his place and watched her as she applied a perfect graft to the artery. They closed her chest and sent her to the ICU, extremely happy. After so long, it was a wonderful feeling for the surgery to have happened and to have been completely successful. They looked up at the gallery and smiled at all the people who had watched the surgery.

"That was amazing," Cristina said as she and Burke scrubbed out together.

"I know. I couldn't have done it without you in there with me."

"Yes, you could have. You were brilliant."

"No, she would have bled out when I damaged that artery. I would never have been able to find the hole without you."

Cristina blushed and looked down at her hands. She rinsed the last of the soap off them and turned the tap off. She dried her hands and watched Burke do the same. The two of them were still smiling. They were on a surgery high, the best one Cristina had ever had. They threw away their paper towels and turned to look at one another again. There was a stretched moment of silence in which they simply stared into each others eyes. Burke pushed a tiny strand of hair behind her ear, making her skin tingle.

"Cristina Yang." Her eyelids fluttered at the way he said her name. "You are a fantastic surgeon and I am honoured to have worked with you."

They continued to stare at each other. Then Burke leaned forward, slowly, carefully. Cristina's eyes closed as he moved nearer and Burke's did the same. His lips touched hers very gently. He was about to move away, but Cristina moved forward. She pressed their lips together. She gripped his shoulders, pulling him towards her. His hands were at her waist. He kissed her harder, more eagerly. Within moments he had her pressed against the wall. She felt giddy and was entranced by the warmth of his skin, the heat of his hands on her waist where her scrubs had been pushed up. She broke away from him and looked him the eyes.

"I love you."


	8. Karma Police

Cristina slowly opened her eyes. She felt disorientated and unsure of where she was. She blinked a few times and the room became less hazy, allowing her to see that it was an on-call room. She must have slept at work. She sat up, rubbing her eyes and as she did so she realised that someone was asleep beside her. She smiled, but as she dropped her hands and looked down her face took on a look of terror. That wasn't Owen.

_Shit._

Cristina didn't know what to do. How would she get out of the bed without waking him? She couldn't stay here. As she was panicking, she heard the click of the door opening.

"Oh, you're here!" Owen smiled at her and Cristina could only stare back. This could not be happening. She must be still asleep. "I've been looking everywhere..." Owen broke off, his eyes wide. He'd noticed the other person in the room.

"Owen, I –"

He turned and left the room.

"Owen!" She struggled out of the bed, hastily pulling on the clothes that were on the floor. She turned around to find Burke sitting up, smiling sleepily at her.

_Shit shit shit shit._

She grabbed her pager from the floor and ran from the room. This was not supposed to happen to her. She could barely remember what had happened. At some point they must have moved to the on-call room, but she couldn't remember it. All she knew was that she had probably ruined her relationship with Owen forever. She ran through the halls, actually praying that she could find him, talk to him, convince him that she didn't mean it. The running cleared the fog in her brain and she remembered, as she slammed her hand against the elevator button, that she had said something extremely stupid. She had told Burke that she loved him. She honestly wanted the ground to swallow her. She had never thought one could actually feel like that, but right now she did. She had said something totally untrue because she had got carried away and look where it got her.

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit._

She carried that mantra in her head as she stood in the confines of the elevator, tapping her finger against her thigh impatiently. She remembered Burke touching her thigh and quickly dropped her hand. It was getting hotter in the elevator by the second and she wanted to tie her hair up, but she remembered how Owen liked it when she did that because it showed off the back of her neck and she didn't really think that was appropriate for the sort of conversation she needed to have. Cristina now knew what horrific, gut-wrenching guilt felt like and she hated it. She couldn't even breathe without remembering that it had some sort of connotation or link to Owen or, worse, Burke. She must have travelled with both of them in this same elevator at least once. Definitely more than once.

_I have to get out of here._

She pushed through the elevator doors when she reached the ER floor, causing people to give her angry looks that she didn't see. She threw open doors to trauma rooms but did not enter them. In every single one she remembered a patient she had worked on with Owen. She pulled back curtains and pushed past nurses until she was sure he was not anywhere in the department.

"Dr Yang, what do you think you are doing?" Dr Bailey was standing in front of her, one eyebrow raised in her classic, highly unimpressed face. For the first time in her memory, Cristina actually ignored her. She turned around and headed for the elevator again. She could hear Dr Bailey yelling behind her but it wasn't like she cared. The logical part of her wanted to search the hospital from top to bottom, but she had a feeling she knew where he was. She took the stairs all the way to the base of the hospital and stood outside the door. She could hear the vents within. She pushed open the door and looked at him as the air rushed around him, making his clothes billow. She bit her lip very hard and waited for him to look at her. She didn't move into the room, but stood in the doorway. She knew she had already crushed whatever eggshells she had been treading on, but if she tried to move before he was ready she would be grinding the shells to dust and throwing them in the medical waste bin. So she waited. She waited until the vent had blown its upward thrust of air twenty times and he looked her in the eyes. She could see all the betrayal and pain he was feeling. His eyes were dark with tears that the harsh air prevented him from weeping. She could taste blood in her mouth from where her teeth were digging into her lip but she did not remove them because she would not be able to refrain from speaking. She had to wait just a bit longer until she knew he wanted her to speak, until she knew he was ready to yell and rage and cry. Right now she could see that he was still lost in his brain and she knew that if she pushed him too much he would have an attack and hallucinate again. His mind was as fragile now as when he had first seen Dr Wyatt and Cristina had done it to him. She had broken him all over again.

"I…" Owen's voice was barely audible over the roar of the vents. He was still looking her in the eyes, but the emotions she could see were more acute. He was ready now. She released her lip and quickly licked the blood off it.

"I'm sorry." She couldn't do it. She couldn't say anything else. She felt tears on her cheeks but she couldn't speak. There was nothing she could say that would make this right. She looked at him a few seconds longer before she turned from him and ran down the hallway. He wouldn't follow her. Not this time.

Cristina didn't know where to go. She could not go where there might be other people, but the only place she could think of was the place she had just left. She climbed the stairs and avoided the main hospital as best she could. She didn't see anyone, so she kept climbing. She reached the door to the roof on which the helipad lived. She thought for a second, then pushed it open and stepped out. She would know if anyone would need the roof because she would see the helicopter long before it reached her. Bringing patients in by air was not common, so she assumed she would be undisturbed. She walked all the way across the roof, stopping when she reached the edge. She stared down and her head swam at how high she was. She sat down on the concrete and dangled her legs over the edge. It was windy this high up and it stung her eyes. Her hair flew around her face, occasionally hitting her cheek and sticking to her mouth for a moment.

"I'm a heartless bitch."

Once she had said it she felt something break inside her. Only then did she truly realise what she'd done. Before she had been in a haze – frantic, confused and still in denial. Now the haze had lifted and she had to face the truth.

She had broken every fundamental rule you could set down in a relationship. She had betrayed the most honest person she knew. She was grateful that the wind dried her cheeks and her eyes. She didn't deserve to cry because she wasn't the one who had been hurt. She was the one that caused the pain and she didn't deserve to feel like her heart was tearing in two, or to want everything to be the way it had once been, or to wish for Owen to forgive her and still love her. She didn't deserve any of those things. She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She rocked back and forth, hating herself more every time she sobbed.

The longer she sat there, the more she remembered. She could see clearly the look on Burke's face when she told him she loved him. She could hear him whispering the same words in her ear. She knew exactly how they had reached the on-call room and what had happened thereafter. She remembered falling asleep in his arms and feeling content. She had let him get to her. She had been stupid enough to allow him to get under her skin, to start thinking about him, to start thinking about their relationship, and now she was fully aware of the consequences. She no longer had Owen.

Until now she had not realised just how much she needed Owen. He made her feel safe, whereas now she felt exposed. He had put her back together and made her happy, and she had done the same for him. They had let each other in as they had never done with anyone else. But now they were shattered, and Cristina had done it. She buried her face in her knees, sobbing even harder. All the tears she had held in over the years seemed to be pouring out now, just when she had no-one to comfort her. She was all alone, naked to the world now that her hard exterior had been chipped away, and the only thing she wanted was Owen. You always want what you can't have.

Someone was paging her but she ignored it. She did not look at who it was because she would not go for anyone, not even Meredith. She stayed curled in on herself on the edge of the hospital roof until her eyes were no longer dried out from their exposure to the wind and her scrubs were wet with tears. She felt dirty, but she knew that no amount of water would wash it away. She was paged again, and again. She tuned the beeping into the background until whoever it was finally gave up and it ceased. After only a few minutes it started up again, but this time it was joined by the noise of a helicopter. Of course, today would be a day that they would need to fly a patient in. Cristina waited another minute and then accepted that she could not stay on this windy rooftop forever. She lifted her head. The helicopter was quite near, which meant that someone would be joining her on the roof soon. She stood up, looking over the edge again. She rocked forward onto the balls of her feet, but she gasped as she almost tipped too far and quickly stepped backwards. She no longer wanted to stay on the roof. She headed for the door, then descended the stairs. She stopped on the main floor. She stood behind the door, not wanting to go through it yet. She wanted to find Meredith, but she also wanted to never see another living soul again. She leaned her head back against the wall and took a deep breath before opening the door.

Nobody gave her a second glance. There were no accusing eyes or whispers behind hands. Nobody knew what she had done. It was only her, Burke and Owen. She reached the residents lounge without anyone trying to approach her and pushed the door open the slightest bit. Meredith was inside, pulling her scrubs over her head, but so was Alex. Cristina bit her lip again. She did not want to speak to anyone but Meredith. There was no other way to go about it, so she pushed the door further so she could walk through it.

"Oh, hey." Meredith smiled at her as she tied her hair up. Cristina did not return the gesture. She glanced at Alex and saw that he was almost ready. He slipped on his lab coat and turned to them.

"I'll see you after rounds."

"Sure," Meredith replied. She had not yet noticed that Cristina was completely broken inside. Cristina did not look at Alex as he left, but kept her eyes trained on the ground.

"So," Meredith said conversationally as she sat on the bench and tied her shoelaces. "How was your surgery yesterday?" When Cristina did not reply she looked up. She put both feet on the ground, laces tied, as a frown formed on her forehead. "Cristina?"

Cristina lifted her eyes from the floor and looked at Meredith, cursing herself as tears formed again. Meredith stood up when she saw her expression.

"Cristina, what's wrong?"

"I…" Her voice was cracked. She couldn't say it out loud. The tears seemed to be completely unstoppable. They spilled onto her cheeks and brought another sob with them. Her shoulders were shaking as she felt another overwhelming wave of guilt.

Meredith moved forwards and pulled her into a hug. Cristina would normally have pulled away, but she had felt so alone on the roof. She wrapped her arms very tightly around Meredith and buried her face in her shoulder. Meredith stroked her hair as she sobbed.

"Mer," she whispered, "I've ruined everything."


	9. Fog

"_Why did you come back?"_

"_You know why, I had a case." Burke kissed just behind her ear, wrapping his arms more firmly around her._

"_That's not the only reason."_

_He paused, his breath hitting her skin where it was wet from his kiss. The unexpected cool made her give the slightest shiver._

"_I wanted to see you. I needed to know if you were okay. The shootings…" He pulled away and looked at her. "I couldn't be sure you were still…I needed to see you."_

_Cristina ran her fingers gently through his hair, longer than when he had left. "Okay," she said and leaned towards him again._

Cristina pulled her knees up to her chest, pushing her back closer to the cold stone wall of the tunnel. The guilt was nowhere close to subsiding. The more time passed, the more she remembered. The more she remembered, the sicker she felt. She felt as if she didn't know herself any more. She didn't know the woman she had been last night. The sound of Meredith's chart papers rustling beside her pulled her back to where she was, temporarily stopping the horrible memory of last night. Cristina was grateful that Meredith was staying with her. She knew that her friend could probably be scooping a surgery somewhere in the hospital, but she had stayed with Cristina. Not that she had said so – Meredith insisted that she had charting she needed to do. Meredith had not passed judgment when Cristina told her what she had done. She had not really said anything at all. She had simply stated that she had charting to do and dragged Cristina to somewhere that would be free of people. Cristina was glad that Meredith had chosen not to speak her mind in this situation. The beeping from her pager started up again, so whoever it was still wanted her.

"Are you going to answer that?" Meredith asked without looking up. Cristina didn't answer. She didn't trust herself to speak any more. Meredith pulled Cristina's pager off her waistband and looked at the name. "It's Burke." She looked up at Cristina, who gave no response. "No, you are definitely not going to answer it." She turned the pager off. "I'm not going to listen to it beeping for hours."

Cristina licked her lips, feeling the tiny scab forming where she had bitten into the bottom one. She wondered if Owen was still standing over the vents. He was the Head of Trauma; someone must have paged him, so he was probably in the ER. Cristina wanted to see him. She still had to talk to him and she was desperate just to see his face, but she knew she would have to wait until they were out of the hospital.

Meredith's pager began to beep. She dropped her pen and bent her head, twisting the pager so she could see who it was.

"This is ridiculous. He can't get you so he's paging me. Is he still supposed to be here now that his case has finished?"

"Are you going?" Cristina asked, speaking for the first time since they had left the residents lounge.

"I..." She looked at Cristina for a second. "I think I have to."

Cristina nodded and looked away. She felt around on the gurney until her hand found her own pager and turned it on again without looking at it. Then she reached further and grasped Meredith's hand.

"You can go, I'll be fine."

Meredith squeezed her hand just a tiny bit, then released it and left the tunnel. Cristina sighed and closed her eyes. She hated this feeling of powerlessness. It was as though she had lost control of her own mind the night before, and now she couldn't control any part of her life. It was all unravelling and she couldn't stitch it back together. She dropped a stitch and now the thread was knotted all over the floor. She had gone over it in her head so many times in the last hour and she still could not fathom what made her say what she had said to Burke. Yes, she had been on a surgery high. Yes, he had been kissing her. But that did not automatically trigger the response she gave. And what had followed was something Cristina could not even attempt to explain. There was no logical reason for it. It was not as though she still had feelings for Burke.

Her train of thought stopped. Cristina did not want to go there. She did not want to analyse her every move to see if she had some form of residual love for Burke. She knew that, whatever had happened, that was not true. For a long while after he had left she would not have been able to say that truthfully, but the moment Owen had entered Seattle Grace and stapled his own leg without numbing it and then given her one of the most invigorating kisses of her life all thoughts of Burke had been banished at last. Right from the start he gave her a sense of security she hadn't felt in years. She felt the safest she had since her father died. Burke never gave her that. If anything, he made it worse because she never knew exactly where she stood; everything had been so fragile and she was never sure what to say or think. And it wasn't as if she had been expecting to become the jilted bride. Everything about their relationship was unstable and unpredictable, but not in the exciting way. It had scared her and he was still scaring her now.

She was utterly confused. She had no idea why she'd done it, but it was done and it couldn't be taken back. She wrapped her fingers around her pager but did not pick it up. She let her hand lie there for a moment, trying to prepare herself. She couldn't stay here forever – if she lost her job as well, Cristina wasn't sure she could cope. She gripped the small plastic block very hard so that her nails dug into her hand around it. She focused on that sensation and nothing else, then she pulled her pager towards her, slid off the gurney and attached it to the waistband of her scrubs. As if on cue, it began to beep. She looked at the name and was relieved when it didn't say Burke. The other cardio-thoracic surgeon wanted her this time. She pulled open the door to the stairwell and walked up to the main floor. She entered the lobby, intending to catch an elevator, but was distracted by the large crowd of people standing in the middle of it. She spotted Meredith near the front and pushed her way towards her.

"Mer, what…?" But she didn't need to ask what. In an empty circle of floor, surrounded by people, were two men. Her mouth fell open as she watched Owen roll them over so he was straddling Burke. He drew back his arm, then gave an almighty punch. She watched his arm muscles ripple on impact and she knew that Burke had no idea what he'd got himself into. There was no way he would be victorious over Owen. He was trying to push the other man off him, but Owen was too strong and his hits were too vicious. His eyes had gone wild. Burke looked up at him and his face hardened. He gave a great shove and managed to push Owen off him so he fell back on to the floor. Both men jumped up and were about to begin again when they were grabbed from behind. Mark twisted Burke's arms behind his back and pulled him away from Owen. Burke pulled on him, trying to break free, but he was in too awkward a position. Derek was trying to hold Owen's arms back, but they were too strong for him. He let one slip and Owen swung it backwards, hitting Derek hard in the stomach. The Chief of Surgery fell to the hospital floor and Cristina heard Meredith gasp beside her. Cristina had a vague thought that Derek could not take a hit like that so soon after being shot, but she didn't focus on it. She was staring closely at Owen, looking at the blank violence in his eyes.

"He's relapsing," she whispered to herself as Owen lurched towards Mark and Burke. "He's relapsing!" she yelled. She ran into the circle and grasped Owen's hand. She should have known not to touch him. He span towards her and slapped her so hard across the face that she fell sideways, landing hard the ground. She was seeing stars, but she pushed herself up on her hands and looked at him again. He had turned back to Burke, but she knew it wasn't Burke he was seeing. "He doesn't know what he's doing! He's hallucinating! Mark, please, grab him!" Mark released Burke, who was no longer struggling but staring at Owen with a mixture of fear and what Cristina sincerely hoped was not pity. Mark moved very quickly, grabbing both of Owen's arms and pulling them behind his back. He shook Owen extremely hard, trying to bring him out of his mental battle. Meredith came from behind Cristina, presumably from where Derek was lying, and walked towards them.

"Hold him still," she said, her voice quiet. Mark struggled to hold Owen, who was still trying to escape. Meredith gave him a hard slap, as though she was slapping a hysterical person. Cristina got onto her knees and pushed herself off the ground. Meredith slapped Owen again, trying to make him come back to reality. Cristina heard Owen growl as Meredith's small hand connected with his cheek and she knew it wouldn't work. Only as she started to walk, ignoring the way the room span just a little bit, did she realise how public this was. Half the hospital was witness to something that Owen never even wanted Cristina to see.

"Get rid of them," she whispered as she reached Meredith. Her friend raised her hand to slap Owen again, but Cristina grabbed her hand. "Don't! It won't work. Please, just let me do it." Meredith looked at her and Cristina knew she didn't trust her to be anywhere near Owen. She didn't have the energy to explain that it wasn't the real Owen that had hit her, so she pushed Meredith towards the crowd of people and stepped in front of Owen. She didn't want to look at Mark. She hated how they were like some sort of sickening spectacle. She placed a hand on Owen's cheek. "Owen." He still struggled against Mark. "Owen, it's me. She stepped even closer to him so that their faces were right in front of each other. "Owen, listen to me, it's Cristina." He wasn't pulling as hard as before, but she was looking at his eyes and he wasn't present yet. She stroked his cheek once with her thumb, then took another step and wrapped her arms around him, threading her arms under his and reaching her hands up around his back to grip his shoulders with her hands. She placed her face in the crook of his neck, trying not to think about how she wouldn't be able to do this when he stopped hallucinating. She squeezed her arms around him and with relief she felt him go limp, not struggling as he buried his face in her shoulder. "Mark, let him go," she whispered. As soon as his arms were released, Owen wrapped them around Cristina. She held onto him, digging her fingers into his shoulders. "I'm sorry," she whispered against his skin, knowing only he could hear her. "I'm so, so sorry."

They stood there for a minute longer, their arms around each other, until Owen suddenly let go, stepping away so she was forced to stop holding him. He wouldn't look at her, but turned and ran towards the doors of the hospital.

* * *

**Author's Note: I really haven't done many of these in this story. Okay, well I know you all probably hate me quite a bit. But I had this plotline planned from the beginning, so just trust me, yeah? And I know lots of people wanted Owen and Burke to have a fight, so here we are! I don't think I've ever written a proper fight before, so I don't know if it went well or not. Please tell me what you thought! Also, I do think that abusive relationships are wrong, but that's not what happens here. It's not really Owen who hits Cristina and I think she would look past it and try to help him. Just don't think that I would find it acceptable for him to hit her in different circumstances. So, please tell me what you thought!**


	10. I Might Be Wrong

Burke stumbled up to Cristina, his nose bloody. She had her arms crossed and was chewing on one of her fingernails. She didn't look at him, but stared at the doors through which she could see Owen's retreating back. She didn't know where he was going, but she was pretty sure the hospital would not see him for the rest of the day. She hoped Derek had some sort of sympathy for him and would not fire him on the spot. The nail broke off in her mouth and she dropped her hand, wrapping her fingers around her arm.

"You didn't tell me he –"

"Burke, don't. Not now, please."

He nodded, hissing as he wiped the blood from his nose. The crowd was dispersing, muttering to each other. Meredith had helped Derek off the floor and was leading him away to be checked over by Teddy. Everything felt heavy to Cristina. It was the opposite of having the weight lifted off your shoulders – all the weight she could ever conceived of carrying was currently nestled around her neck.

Cristina felt utterly humiliated, but for Owen rather than herself. She watched him until he was too far across the car park for her to see him any more. She was fearful he would have another relapse and drive off the road, but she knew there was nothing she would able do to that would make him not take the car. She would simply have to add that to the list of Owen-related worries.

"Do you want me to buy you a coffee?"

"Leave me alone." She turned from the doors, keeping her arms crossed over her chest as she walked away from the scene. Burke followed her.

"Honestly, Cristina, I think you need one. You shouldn't go back to work like this."

She stopped walking, tensing her shoulders and turning to face him. "Don't tell me what I should and should not do. Don't try to be nice to me when you just ruined my life!"

"I didn't ruin it alone – you let it happen."

The truth of that statement hurt her. She felt her eyes become uncharacteristically wet and faced away from him, starting to walk again. She wasn't surprised when his footsteps started up also.

"Cristina, I'm sorry –"

"Shut up, you aren't sorry at all."

"I am, for saying that. I can't say I regret what we did –"

"You wouldn't."

"You were the one that said you loved me."

"I don't want to talk about this. Not now, preferably not ever. I just need you to leave me alone, Burke. Let me think for myself for a second rather than trying to control everything I do. I'm not going to let you manipulate me again."

"How did I manipulate you last night? You're not saying I _forced_ –"

He stopped, grabbing her arm and tugging her through a door. He shut the blinds of the office and turned to her.

"We can't talk about this outside. You've had enough public displays for one day."

She rolled her eyes at him.

"Cristina, I'm sorry to have caused you pain. Not just last night, but always. I'm sorry I tried to force you to do things you didn't want to do, for making you hide my secret when it could have ended your medical career. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for everything."

She turned away from him, sitting down in one of the chairs, putting her elbows on the desk and her face in her hands. She couldn't hear this. She had wanted to hear it for years, but now it mattered so little to her. She didn't care if he was sorry because it didn't affect her any more. She had done everything she seemingly could to ruin her emotional life and he felt that now was the time to finally apologise.

"Cristina?" Burke asked after a minute, having received no reply.

"Please leave me alone." She said into her hands. "Go and be sorry somewhere else."

Burke didn't do as she asked. He walked over and leant against the desk beside her. She didn't look up because she knew he would notice the tears forming.

"I wish I had a chance to make things right; come back earlier and do something."

Cristina had to make eye contact with him now, regardless of how many tears she was blinking away. "I wouldn't have taken you back. Even before I met Owen, I wouldn't have taken you back. Being without you made me realise how much I hated our relationship. It was unhealthy, Burke, and I wouldn't have gone back to that." Talking to him like this was liberating. She could finally tell him all the things that had hurt her, make him understand how she had felt. Just five minutes ago this conversation would have been something she would have avoided at all costs, but she had not understood then how much she wanted to have it.

He dropped her gaze and stared at the floor. Cristina had not wanted to crush him entirely, but she needed to tell him the truth. He seemed to be processing what she had said, coming to terms with it. Finally, he looked at her again.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe it just wasn't supposed to happen."

She nodded.

"Our marriage could never have worked."

He blinked slowly, accepting it again. "I'm sorry I tried to control you."

"I…accept your apology. And I'm sorry for all the pain and stress I caused you." Cristina felt a great satisfaction. It was as though she was tying up loose ends, ending one part of her life and beginning a new one. She finally understood why they called it 'closure'.

She stood up and they remained awkwardly together for a few seconds before Burke moved towards the door.

"It was nice to see you again. I'm glad you're okay."

She attempted a smile. "Me too."

"I guess I should say 'good luck'."

"That sounds right. Good luck."

He nodded, staring at her for another second, then left. It seemed utterly surreal to Cristina. She and Burke had parted on civil terms. They had wished each other good fortune in the rest of their lives. She sat back down in the chair, too overwhelmed to stand. The more she thought about it and tried to acknowledge it, the more absurd it seemed to her. She leaned back in the chair and had an enormous urge to laugh. She let out a giggle and was soon sitting alone in the office in hysterics.

* * *

Cristina pushed open the door to her flat. Callie and Arizona were at work, so it was completely empty. She slammed the door behind her, dropping her bag on the floor and flinging her coat on the sofa. She put her face into her hands and groaned, then dragged them up and raked her fingers through her hair. She let her arms drop heavily to her sides and walked towards her bedroom. She opened the door and stopped suddenly. The room looked cold. The bed was exactly as they had left it the morning before last, unmade with the sheets bunched at the end of the bed, pillows at odd angles and one on the floor. But there was only one set of pyjama trousers and a college t-shirt in a pile in the middle. The grey tracksuit and plain white t-shirt were missing, seemingly having been removed without disturbing anything. The medical journals stacked on his side were gone, as was the glass he brought over because he said he didn't get enough water out of her small ones. She walked to the wardrobe. It was only her mess in there. His haphazardly folded clothes were gone. She looked in the bathroom. His towel was gone, along with his razor, his shaving cream, everything. She left the bathroom and saw his key, removed from the ring on which it usually lived, lying on the counter-top. He was completely and utterly gone. He had disappeared so thoroughly that it looked like he had never been there.

She hated the thought that passed through her mind. It was just like Burke. She returned and everything he had ever represented in the place was gone. Cristina was left alone again, but this time she felt anything but liberated. She felt lost. Something vitally important was missing.

She went back to the bedroom and stood in the doorway for a little while. Then she bent down to remove her shoes and socks before she stepped inside. She paused at the edge of the bed. She couldn't find anything that had been disturbed by the careful removal of him. Even the way the sheet was slightly uneven looked exactly the same. She climbed onto it, crawling to the middle and lying down. She knew there was one thing he couldn't remove that easily: the pillows still smelt like him, as did all the rest of the bed. She pulled one of the pillows, his favourite one to sleep on, towards her and hugged it to her chest. She buried her face in it. The familiarity of that smell was almost worse than there being nothing at all. It was torturous for her, but she wouldn't give it up for all the surgeries in the world. It was the last thing she had.

* * *

**Author's Note: It's so sad! But back to the earlier part. I wanted Burke and Cristina to have a 'closure' moment. It just means that they aren't left wondering, etc. and that they can truly move on. And now Cristina can focus on how she is going to get Owen back! Please review and I'll try to update soon!**


	11. Prove Yourself

She slapped her hand on the top of the alarm, putting it on 'snooze' for the fifth time that morning. She hadn't been asleep to start with, but she did not want to get up yet and did not have the motivation to turn it around and flick the 'off' switch. She hugged the same pillow to her chest that she had for the past week. She stared at the shaft of sunlight pushing through the gap where her curtains were not closed properly until five minutes later when the alarm started to pester her again. She listened to its persistent whine for a few moments, but as she reached out her arm to turn it off the door to her room was opened so forcefully that it hit the wall. Cristina twisted her head back over her shoulder to see a very angry-looking Callie.

"If you do not turn that thing off I am going to smash it! It has been going off ten times a day every day for a week and I know that you're upset and wallowing in self-pity but I don't freaking care because that stupid alarm is driving me insane!" She gave a small scream and stamped her foot. Cristina reached out and scrabbled at the alarm with her fingers, soon finding the switch to turn it off. She heard Callie sigh behind her. She drew her arm back and curled it around the pillow.

"Cristina, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"No, it's fine. It's an annoying alarm."

"You're not wallowing in self-pity. What you're going through is hard."

Cristina stood up. "I'm going to take a shower." She placed the pillow on the bed, grabbed a towel off the messy floor and walked to the door. Callie stepped out of her way, acknowledging that, if Cristina did not want to talk, she wouldn't.

Cristina climbed into the shower, setting it to an abnormally low temperature in an attempt to shock her system out of its numbness. This had not worked for the past few days, but she would still try. She stood under the water and soon started to shiver. This was good. She stayed there, shivering, trying to feel something other than the monotonous ache she had been experiencing. Her mind soon began to wander, just as it always did at this point. She wondered if Owen was awake yet. She wasn't sure what time it was, but she was pretty certain he would be up. Perhaps he was taking a shower like she was. The day after he had stormed from the hospital she had seen him in Derek's office. The day after that, he was back at work. She had arrived on the ER floor and immediately stepped back into the elevator. The next day she had told herself that that was no way to fix things. She went to the emergency room, dispatched her interns and began working cases until he appeared. She watched him for an hour, but he ignored her completely. He had shadows under his eyes like the dark sides of crescent moons and his skin was paler than usual. Cristina guessed he hadn't been sleeping, just like her. Sudden metallic noises made him jump and Cristina feared he would relapse again. She wanted desperately to speak to him, but she could tell it would be useless. She had to wait.

For four days she had waited, just travelling to the emergency room to watch him over her interns' sutures. She was unable to wait any more. She supposed this was indicative of a slight change in her mood and could therefore be considered an improvement. Having gained a small thing, she turned the shower off. She pulled her towel tightly around her and slipped on the wet floor. Her hand slapped sharply against the wall as she tried to steady herself. She left a trail of water behind her on the path to her bedroom. She closed the door and leant against it. Then she caught sight of the clock. She gave a strange strangled noise and began throwing things around the room in a search for clean clothes. This was the same as every recent morning: she stayed in bed too late, showered too long and ran out of time.

She ran across the street to the hospital, reaching the residents lounge with no time to spare. Meredith was just leaving as she entered.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Fine." Cristina pushed past her without making eye contact. She heard Meredith sigh and the door to the room closed, leaving Cristina alone. She threw her things into her cubby and pulled on her scrubs. She was going to be late for rounds again and she was on Bailey's service. This day was not going well so far.

She jogged up to Dr Bailey where she stood holding a chart. The tiny doctor raised an eyebrow at her, then handed her the chart.

"I'm sorry I'm late."

"I don't want your apologies, Yang. Just check the patient and try not to think too much about your love life while you do it."

Cristina tried to follow Bailey's advice, and it was almost working until lunch time. She walked into the cafeteria and immediately saw Owen sitting at a table by himself. She had been very close to not thinking about him, but that certainly wouldn't happen now. She had stopped when she saw him and realised she had been partially blocking the entrance to the cafeteria. She quickly moved and began placing food on a tray, scanning the room as she did so. Owen was the only one she knew personally in the whole place. She paid for her food and bit her lip as she turned towards the tables. She guessed now was the perfect time.

She rolled her shoulders once, then walked towards his table. He didn't look up, so he was unaware of her until she sat beside him. He lifted his head and, upon seeing her, began to get up, but Cristina grabbed his arm and pulled him down again. he tried to struggle against her.

"Owen, please. Can you just stay for a minute?"

He turned his face away from her, but he sat back in his chair. Cristina left her hand where it was, but he moved his arm from under it.

"You don't have to say anything," she continued. "I just need to tell you that I can't say "I'm sorry" enough times. I don't have an explanation for what I did. I don't have a reason for it. Maybe there was a stupid part of my brain saying "what if" and I listened to it. If that was it, then I shouldn't have. There was no "what if" for me and Burke, although I once believed there was. If he hadn't left me then, we would have ended up getting divorced. We were bad for each other. But...But I'm trying to say that I'm sorry for listening to that part of my brain. I'm saying that you and me, we're not bad for each other. We pull each other out of the abyss; we don't drag the other into it. What I said is still true: I can't breathe without you. Owen, I need you. And I will wait for you for as long as it takes." She did not know where she had found the courage or inspiration to say these words, but they felt right. She drew her hand back from beside his arm and clasped her hands together. She watched Owen. His head was still turned from her.

He stood. Her eyes followed him as he left. He didn't even take his tray.

She slumped onto the table, her head on her arms. She had said she would wait, and that was true, but she realised now that the task would be far harder than she originally thought. She hated not hearing his voice. He wouldn't look her in the eyes, and she couldn't stand it. She knew why he was doing it: his eyes communicated so much to Cristina that Owen did not want to tell her. He didn't trust her and she utterly deserved it, but the thought still made her tear ducts swell. She lifted her face and rested her chin on her arms, staring at the food on Owen's abandoned tray without fully registering what she was seeing. She didn't want to eat now. This had been happening more and more. She thought about Owen and her hunger evaporated. She tried to remember the last time she had eaten a proper meal. She begrudgingly discounted chocolate and red wine as food. She was counting back whole days, which her ingrained doctor instincts were telling her was a very bad thing. She reached out and grabbed some of Owen's fries. They made her feel faintly connected to him. She looked at her watch; she still had forty-five minutes. She sighed and resigned herself to finishing both trays.


	12. Pop Is Dead

**Author's Note: Hello world of fanfiction! Oh, I have missed you. I can't really apologise enough for my neglectful updating. This has been one stressful term! But we shall move past my terrible behaviour re updating and get on with the chapter.**

Cristina stared across the body between them and listened to him calling time of death. He ripped off his gloves and threw them down in frustration. She knew this was the next in a string of patients he had lost that day, and this was one of the times when a doctor wondered why they did this job. He ran his fingers through his hair. When he looked up again he accidentally looked into her eyes. She tried to convey empathy in the small space of time before he looked away again. He had avoided having her on his service for the past week, but he had been unable to stop it today. It had been much harder to endure than she had expected, especially because she could clearly see that he was upset and she could not comfort him. She pulled off her gloves and left the trauma room. She moved on to her next patient, prodding their swollen leg around a large shard of glass while surreptitiously glancing up at Owen as he bent over a woman who looked like she had been in the same accident as her guy.

"That's my wife," the man said, gasping a little through the pain of the glass. "Is she going to be okay?"

Cristina looked up at the woman again. She seemed to be unconscious, but Derek was not there, so she assumed there was no severe head trauma. There was, however, a large piece of glass and what looked like a twisted piece of metal protruding from her abdomen and, looking over Owen's shoulder, she could see Dr Bailey running towards the woman's bed.

"I can't say. We have an excellent team of doctors who will do all they can-"

"But she won't die, will she? Please, tell me she won't die."

"Sir, please stay calm, I need to concentrate on getting this out of your leg."

The man looked terrified, but she knew it wasn't for his own safety. She hated it when couples came in together. There was always one more injured than the other and it led to unnecessary amounts of stress for all involved. Lately, she had been finding it more difficult to detach herself from the situation. There was something about the pain the patients felt that was getting to her. She pulled the curtain around the bed so the man could not see Owen and Bailey wheeling his wife into a trauma room. She hoped he needed to be sedated because then she wouldn't have to look at his expression of fear and worry.

She managed to pull the shard of glass out with minimal damage, which she considered very lucky. Glass is one of the worst things to have stuck in you: it has a horrible tendency to shatter. She left an intern to stitch up the wound because the man had no further injuries and looked into the trauma room. Bailey was looking stressed and Owen's brow was deeply furrowed.

"Yang, get in here and hold this."

Cristina moved to the table and held the enormous shard as Bailey's hands moved over the woman's abdomen. Now that she was up close, Cristina could see that the damage was horrific: she was amazed the woman was still alive with the amount of blood she had lost. Owen was doing something to the metal that she couldn't see from where she was standing. Suddenly Bailey let out a loud hiss and there was blood pouring out of the woman's stomach. She had been bleeding before, but it had been nothing compared to this.

"Please tell me we have an OR!" Bailey was yelling to nobody in particular, but a nurse entered at that moment.

"OR 2 is free."

"Yang, do not let go of that thing. If it moves even the smallest bit..."

Cristina didn't have time to reply as she saw Owen preparing to push the gurney out of the room. She very carefully climbed onto the gurney, gripping the glass and bracing herself on her knees as the gurney began to move beneath her. She ducked her head as they entered the elevator with Bailey still trying to pack the wound.

* * *

She leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. She worried her lip with her teeth as she watched him talking to the man lying on the bed, his leg bandaged on top of the covers. She saw the familiar words leave his lips and watched the other man's eyes fill with pain. His face twisted and his hands gripped the covers as he began to cry. The doctor apologised again and left, pulling the curtain around the man before walking in her direction. He passed by where she was standing and she grabbed his arm.

"Are you okay?"

He looked her in the eyes properly for the first time in days. Her own widened at the pain in them. She moved closer to him.

"Owen, what's wrong? Was it the patient? I'm sorry, I know you lost a lot of people today."

He shook his head, his lips tight. She was too worried to be amazed that he was still letting her hold his arm. She moved her hand and grabbed his. She lifted her other arm and wrapped it around his neck, pulling him to her. She felt his arm around her waist as he rested his head in the crook of her neck. He was shaking slightly and she stroked his back, gripping his hand more tightly. She couldn't understand what would be wrong. Owen was not the kind of man who cried at a hard day, especially not in the middle of the hospital.

"Come with me," she whispered into his ear. He let her guide him towards an empty waiting room, where she locked the door behind them and fixed the blinds so that no-one could see in. When she turned around Owen was sitting on one of the sofas, his head in his hands. She sat next to him and rubbed his back. They sat in silence except for his heavy breathing. Then he lifted his head from his hands. She thought he was going to leave, but he wrapped his arms around her waist and laid his head on her chest. She leaned back into the sofa, stroking his hair in a daze. She had one of her arms around his back, holding him to her. She felt his tears soaking her scrubs and heard his uneven breathing. She let him cry to her, not sure what else she could do. She wanted to be happy that he needed her, but it didn't seem right. She bent down and kissed his the top of his head and then rested her cheek against it. She breathed in his familiar scent, feeling completely at home.

He shifted, seeming to realise for the first time what they were doing. He sat up and Cristina wanted to hold onto him. He looked at her with a hollow look that reminded her of the Owen from months ago. He looked like he had just returned from the war and he was completely alone, broken mentally and emotionally.

"Owen," she whispered. She couldn't stop herself reaching up to cup his cheek with her hand. She stroked her thumb across his stubble-covered skin as her eyes stared into his.

"She died."

"I know she did. I know it's hard." She had never seen Owen this upset over the death of a patient before.

"No," he whispered.

"I know, you never want it to happen. I'm so sorry, today has been hard."

"No." His voice was stronger this time. "It's not..." His features twisted and he looked at the wall, leaning his cheek into her hand and gripping it with one of his own. His voice cracked and dropped to a whisper again. "It's not her."

Cristina frowned, not comprehending. "What do you mean? Was it another patient?"

He closed his eyes. She didn't know what this meant.

"My mother." He spoke so quietly that it took her a few seconds to realise what he had said.

"What about her? What does she have to do with this?"

He opened his eyes and gave her the hollow look again. "My mother died."

Cristina stared at him. She was too shocked to think about how she should react. She searched his eyes for some indication that he had not just spoken the words that she had heard. She saw tears welling in them again and knew she hadn't misheard.

"Owen." She pulled him to her and held him close. She wrapped her arms around him as tightly as she could. She knew she should know how to deal with this better than most. She, the girl whose father was torn from her, should know what to say to him. She recalled all the emotions she had had at that moment and tried to think. She remembered the need to be held by someone. She dug her fingers into him in an attempt to bring him closer. She could feel him clinging to her and knew this was what he would need for this moment. As he hugged her more tightly, his sobs only escalated and Cristina knew she needed to say something. She recalled the horrendous guilt. "It wasn't your fault. Whatever happened, you have to know that," she whispered to him.

There was a break in his sobs. "I didn't see her before...I didn't see her."

"It isn't your fault. You couldn't have known."

"I didn't even see her-"

"Owen, she knew you were alive. That would have been a gift enough for her."

He pulled away from her. "How would you know? You might have met her once, but you don't know her. You don't know what she would have wanted!"

She remembered this as well: the lashing out in misguided anger at the world when really you were angry with yourself. She sighed. "Owen, don't push me away. I understand. I've been where you are. You have to remember that." She took his hand and he didn't pull it away.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise; I get it."

He leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. "Thank you. I...I really needed you."

She felt her spirits lift a little, but immediately felt guilty given the situation. "You're welcome. Don't worry, I'll be here when you need me."

He sat up a little to look her in the eyes. He brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. He began to lean towards her. Cristina wanted to let him carry on, but she knew it would do nothing but harm. His lips were almost against hers when she pulled back.

"Owen, don't do this now. You're hurting. I'm not going to be your warm body."

He looked down. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry. I would have done the same thing. Just don't try it with anyone else: trust me, it never ends well. And stay far away from alcohol, however much it makes you feel better tonight." She lifted his chin so he was looking at her again. "There is nothing wrong with hurting. There is no shame in crying. That is how this works, that is how you heal. Don't try and cheat the system with a quick fix of happiness. I can tell you that it doesn't solve anything. Go home and cry, let out all of your emotions. If you want me to come, I will, but only to hold your hand."

He stared at her intensely for a moment. "I don't think I can do this without you."

She nodded and stood up. He looked bewildered, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him up. "Let's go," she said.

She led him out of the hospital, taking him to her car without asking. She climbed into the driver's seat and he sat next to her.

"Can we go to your place?" He asked.

"No. Callie and Arizona might be there and it has too many memories for you to heal properly."

He sighed and she knew he was accepting that she was right. She drove them to his apartment in silence. She took his hand when they had climbed out of the car and led him up the stairs. He opened the door and she pointed him towards his bedroom. She made him sit on the bed as she opened a drawer and found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt for him. She passed them to him and grabbed a t-shirt for herself before retreating to the bathroom. She folded her clothes to make sure he had enough time to change, leaving them by the door of the bathroom. She returned to find him sitting in the same spot, now wearing the clothes she had pulled out of the drawer. She pulled back the covers and climbed into the bed, trying to ignore how it smelt like him. She couldn't think about him in that way tonight. She needed to remain strong and help him.

He got in beside her and lay down facing her.

"Turn over," she said.

He did so and she moved towards him, wrapping her arm around his back to grip his hand and tucking her knees behind his. Her chest was pressed against his back, the opposite way from how they used to sleep. She stroked his hand with her thumb and tucked her head close into his back. She lay there in silence until she heard his breathing slow and felt his muscles loosen, then allowed herself to drift into slumber.


	13. In Limbo

**Author's Note: Hello again! It has been so long since I posted on this story, but I've actually been writing this chapter for a while, a couple of sentences at a time. It's a little shorter than usual, but I think there is enough drama to keep you going! (At least, I hope so)**

Cristina woke with Owen's arm across her and his face resting in the crook between her neck and shoulder. At some point, the two of them had subconsciously reverted back to their classic sleeping position. She stayed completely still, listening to Owen breathing. She could tell that he was still asleep, so she decided to remain where she was, at least for a few minutes. Now that he was unaware, she could allow herself to enjoy the familiar warmth of him against her back and his soft breath on her shoulder. He snored slightly and she wanted to giggle, but managed to restrain herself. She felt a little giddy being in this bed, so close to him. She had never fully appreciated the safety of his arm across her waist, or how his knees slotted perfectly behind her own; she had not known until now how acutely she missed just this part of her day, just waking up with him beside her. He shifted in his sleep, pressing closer to her, and she slotted her fingers between his where they lay by her stomach. She pulled him towards her and at once felt the sudden movement and change in breathing pattern that meant he had woken up. She was just removing her hand from his when he clasped it, holding it there.

"Owen..." she said softly, trying to tell him to stop.

He sat up and detached his body from hers completely. "Sorry. I...I'm going to take a shower." He walked swiftly into the en-suite bathroom and Cristina sat up in the bed, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She realised when the water started running that her clothes were still inside the bathroom. She was tempted to go in and fetch them, but that would be pushing the boundary just a little too far. She unwillingly climbed out of the bed that reminded her so strongly of him and went to the kitchen, searching through the cupboards. She found an unopened box of her favourite cereal and realised it was the one she had bought weeks ago for herself, so that she would have something to eat when she stayed with him. She ripped open the top, not bothering to make it neat, and poured out two bowls of it. As she spooned it into her mouth, listening to the running water and the crunch of the cereal, she felt a sickening nostalgia. There was nothing about this apartment that was not familiar to her, nothing about this _man_ that was not familiar to her. She could not understand why she had agreed to do this. She had managed to convince herself that she would be able to do this if it would help Owen, but that had been a complete lie.

She heard Owen get out of the shower and chewed on her cereal, feeling nervous. When he opened the bedroom door, fully dressed, she tried to act nonchalant and was about to go and collect her clothes when Owen held them out to her.

"You might need these," he said, trying to grin as though this was normal.

"Thanks. I'll…" She made a hand gesture that he seemed to understand and set her empty bowl down to enter the bedroom. She pulled on her clothes, wondering whether people would notice they were the same ones as the day before. She wasn't exactly sure what she would tell Meredith yet, mainly because she was not completely clear on what was happening. She could not tell whether she and Owen were in a good place, a terrible place, or the bridge in between. There was a knock on the door.

"Can I come in?"

She pulled her shirt on. "Yes."

Owen pushed the door open and stood in the doorway, watching her as she sat on the bed, slipping on her socks.

"I wanted to thank you for staying with me last night."

"You don't need to."

"I do, I would never have expected that of you."

"Owen." She stood up and walked towards him, standing closer to him than she had in a while. She reached up a hand to his face, stroking her thumb across his cheek. He didn't push her away. "I will always be here for you, no matter what issues we may be having. I can't stop caring about you."

He stared at her, looking her in the eyes for a moment that stretched indefinitely in Cristina's mind. Then he reached out his own hand and stroked the back of his hand across her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, unable to stop herself.

"I've never stopped caring about you," he whispered. "I've never stopped loving you. I don't think I ever will. I just don't know how we can get past this."

She trailed her hand down his arm, gripping his hand in hers. When she opened her eyes he was still watching her with the look of intensity she knew so well. "I can tell you I'm sorry every day for the rest of our lives, but I know it won't be enough. I doubt I will ever forgive myself for what I did, so how can I expect that of you? I am as lost as you are – I have no idea how to fix this, but I know that I want to." She sighed and stepped closer to him so she could lean her head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his cheek on the top of her head. She freed her arms to encircle his waist. They stood in silence, simply holding each other.

Too soon for Cristina, he pulled away. "We need to go. We're going to be late."

She nodded and they broke apart. She pulled on her shoes as he grabbed their coats. They didn't look at each other all the way to car, and for the drive after that. They rode in silence, just as they had the night before, with Cristina driving, using that as an excuse not to make eye contact. She was desperate to break the silence, even to stop driving and just kiss him, but she couldn't. There was a barrier between them, so strong that it was almost tangible to her. His hand moved and her eyes flicked towards it. He made as if to hold her hand, but seemed to change his mind and returned his hand to his lap. She bit her lip to stop herself from reaching out to him and tried to concentrate on the road ahead. At last they pulled into the hospital car park, still without speaking a word or even making eye contact. She pulled into a space and stopped the car. They stared at their laps in the strange silence that follows the turning off of a car engine. She heard his intake of breath and looked up, knowing he was going to speak.

"I hate being like this," he said, and she thought she heard a wavering in his normally confident voice. "I hate being without you, but I don't know what to do to make this work. I still need time, but I don't want it. I want to be with you right now, but I know if we do that we'll forget for a while, but soon it will all resurface again. I can't risk that. I don't think we can survive it, and believe me, I want us to survive."

She leaned across the car and pressed her lips very lightly against his. After only a second she pulled back, but kept her face close to his as she looked him in the eyes. "I will give you as much time as you need. I can't ask anything of you, but you can ask whatever you wish of me. If you need time, I will give it to you. I know it won't take back what I did, but there is nothing that will. I want to be with you until I'm so old I can't operate anymore, but I can wait. I don't want you to feel like you have to come back to me. I wouldn't come back to me."

He brushed the backs of his fingers against her cheek. "I will always come back to you. I can't be with anyone else because I love _you_. It will take time, but I will come back no matter what you do because you're the only person I truly care about. Nobody will ever make me feel the way you do. Nobody can ever hurt me like you hurt me, but I can't love anybody like I love you."

"Thank you," she whispered. "And I will come back to you, whatever happens."

He kissed her once more, then climbed out of the car. Cristina sat alone for a few minutes, trying to absorb all of the events of the past few weeks. Eventually, she stepped out too and followed Owen into the hospital.

**Author's Note: It is getting very intense! Please review and tell me if you like it!**


	14. Talk Show Host

**Author's Note: Hello again! I can't really tell you how guilty I feel about my terrible lack of update. I actually would think about this story and cringe because it had been so long. My apology comes in the form of a new chapter, which I really hope you like. So, without further ado...**

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"Tell me everything."

"From the beginning?"

"From the beginning."

Cristina took a sip of her coffee. "It started off as just sex. Secret sex." She looked up at Owen, trying to ask him if he minded hearing this sort of thing.

He ate a piece of the muffin they were sharing and leaned closer to her across the cafeteria table. "Don't skip things out to make me feel better. You were engaged, so I assumed you'd had sex. I understand that."

"I…" She looked down at the table, twisting her hands. She hadn't told him the details of her relationship with Burke before, but she knew he needed to know if they were going to move forward. "I got pregnant."

She heard his intake of breath but didn't look at him. She was jiggling one knee nervously, trying to avoid looking at him. This was a lot harder than she had imagined.

"What…happened?" His voice was so quiet, it was almost a whisper.

"I miscarried."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"It never came up. I don't know."

"Oh, so in all the months that we dated, you didn't once think it would be a good idea to tell me that he got you pregnant? Not even when he arrived in this hospital?" He sat back in his chair and threw his hands up in frustration.

Cristina looked at the man sitting across from her, the man she loved more than she understood. He had given Cristina Yang a heart, and she'd practically handed it back, severely bruised, and said 'I don't want it'. And yet he was still there, still waiting for her, still in love with her.

But no matter how much he loved her, no matter how much _she_ loved _him_, he could still make her angry. He could still hurt her. And right now, he was doing that. Perhaps she didn't have the right to feel this way after what she had done to him, but Cristina did not often do what she was supposed to. She very often did things she had no right to do, and it very often got her into trouble. But that part of her personality hadn't changed, not yet; and so, she snapped.

"Have you maybe considered that it's painful for me to talk about? I was going to get an abortion, Burke broke up with me, I was _alone_ and _pregnant _and an _intern_. Oh, and then it happens to be an ectopic pregnancy and my fallopian tube burst. Yes, that sounds like great dinner conversation. Should provide a good laugh." Cristina shook her head and looked away from Owen. She hadn't talked about that period of her life for so long and she hated the feeling of tears in her eyes. She knew, despite her anger, that Owen hadn't meant to be insensitive, but that didn't stop her from resenting his words. He knew how careful she was with her emotions, especially pain, so he should have understood that this was not something she would want to talk about.

He hadn't said anything yet, but she supposed that was to be expected.

She felt Owen take her hand in his. She looked towards their entwined fingers and then up to his face. She realised just how long it had been since they had held hands purely because they could rather than as a form of comfort. Owen brushed the back of his knuckles against her cheek and cupped her cheek with his hand.

"I'm sorry."

And there: he made her fall in love with him just one more time. He made her feel bad for speaking – well, almost yelling – that way.

"I know," she said.

"That doesn't make it better."

Cristina shrugged. "I understand. I forgive you."

Owen sighed and she could see pain in his eyes. "I hate that I couldn't be there for you." He stroked his thumb across her cheek a little. "I hate the idea of you being in pain like that."

She smiled a smile that was more like a grimace and placed her hand over his where it held her cheek. "Don't. It's over now. It still hurts when I think of it, but I try to avoid that. I don't want to live in the past all the time."

He nodded. "We don't have to talk about him any more if you don't want to. I don't want to put you through pain just to satisfy my own curiosity."

"Maybe we'll continue tomorrow? If you're willing to have coffee with me again."

"We could eat lunch together?" His tone was apprehensive – they hadn't eaten lunch together since before…

"Are you sure you want to?"

He squeezed her fingers. "It's just one step up from coffee, I'm sure we can manage it. People will talk, but it's not like that matters."

"I'll tell Meredith to eat with Derek."

Owen nodded and the two of them stood. There was a moment of awkwardness when neither knew quite what to do, then Owen leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cristina's cheek, barely touching it at all. He released her hand, nodded again, and began to turn from her, but she grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"I'm sorry I reacted that way; you didn't deserve it."

He stepped towards her, closer than he had in far too long, and took hold of both her hands. They stood like that for a few moments, just watching each other. Cristina felt the need to memorise the exact colour of Owen's eyes, even though she already knew it. Not being with him had forced her to take whatever she could and hold onto it, and she had felt a little emptier every time he had walked away from her or broken eye contact with her over the few days since they had each promised to wait for the other to heal. Now, even though she knew him perfectly, she stared at him with something like hunger, making sure she noted every fleck of green within the blue, every hint of brown at the edge of the iris, and every flash of silvery grey when the light was angled just so. She had done this countless times, but none had been urgent like this. She used to feel they had all the time in the world when they were together, hundreds of thousands of moments for making memories, but he was so much more precious to her now she knew what it was like without him. All their time was shorter. Seconds were not as long as they once were. Minutes barely even happened for them. Hours: never. She only had him occasionally, and that made her uncontrollably nervous.

Owen finally spoke, shortening their time again. "You were harsh, but you needed to be. I said exactly what I shouldn't have, acted in exactly the wrong way, and you know that I'm sorry for that."

"And I'm sorry that I—"

Owen put a finger to her lips. "No. Do not apologise. It is painful for you, and emotions are always harder to control when there's pain." He paused for a second, removing his finger from her lips to trace it across her cheekbone and around the shell of her ear. "I should know."

Cristina tried not to shiver as he trailed his fingertip around her ear to her earlobe, but she couldn't stop herself. She closed her eyes, amazed by the effect this man had on her. Just as she began to lean her head towards Owen's hand, he pulled away.

He cleared his throat gently before he spoke. "I'll see you at lunchtime."

Throughout the next week, they ate lunch together four times; the other days, they had surgeries they couldn't miss. When together, they always began the conversation with something about Burke, as this was the main point of the meetings, but soon Owen would interrupt and they would become sidetracked. They started to have real conversations, just as they used to, and only sometimes would the topic stray back to the painful things. They once discussed Owen's mother's death, even though he had been reluctant at first. He had organised a small funeral for her a few days after her death, which Cristina attended.

Despite the conversation tangents, Cristina did manage to tell Owen everything about her relationship with Burke during that week. She didn't leave out anything because she didn't need to. This was Owen, and he would not judge her for her past; it would be entirely too hypocritical. She wasn't sure if he trusted her completely yet, but she knew that she trusted him.

"What are we now?"

Cristina looked up at Owen from her seat next to him in the cafeteria on Saturday, wondering what he meant by that. "What do you mean?"

"Well," he set down his fork, "we aren't seeing other people, but we don't seem to be _together_, so what exactly are we?"

"Does it matter?"

Owen just continued to watch her until she spoke again.

"I'd say we're in love, if you agree with that. In love but…estranged. Temporarily."

He nodded, starting to eat again. "I don't like the idea of being estranged from you. It makes me nervous."

"I feel that, too. But I don't think we can just jump back into a relationship."

"But did we ever leave a relationship?"

Owen was frowning at her, and Cristina could understand why: they had never specifically broken up, but she had been pretty certain that was what Owen had intended. "No, we didn't say that it was…over. But I always assumed that—"

"I never intended to end it. I certainly _wanted_ to, but I knew I couldn't, despite what you did. You know that I can't be without you. So would you still consider yourself my girlfriend?"

"Well, that name makes us sound like we're teenagers. But I don't know what I'd say I am in relation to you. To be honest, we are acting like friends right now. Friends who hold hands a lot."

Owen actually laughed a little at that, taking Cristina's hand to illustrate her point and running his thumb across her fingers. "Sometimes I _feel_ like a teenager; I just want to kiss you and it reminds me of being sixteen."

Neither of them was bothering to eat any more, and they were staring at each other instead.

"I don't think," Cristina said, "that you should kiss me yet. I don't want you to regret it."

"We kissed in my car last week."

She cracked a smile. "Now we really do sound like teenagers. But I don't know if it would be a good idea to start kissing again, because kissing leads to more kissing, which leads to sex, which leads to you regretting reviving our relationship so soon."

"I could never regret being with you."

Cristina had to admit, it _was_ very difficult not to kiss him when he said things like that. "I still think it's a bad idea."

Owen groaned and leaned back in his chair, making Cristina notice that they had leaned towards each other as they were speaking. He kept their fingers entwined, though. "You sound like Dr Wyatt."

"That's because I'm right."

He rolled his eyes. "Surely if I _want_ to kiss you and I feel _ready_ too kiss you, I should be able to."

"Feeling ready and being over it are two different things."

"It's not something you just _get over_, Cristina," he snapped.

She pulled her hand away from his. "And that, that right there, is why I'm not kissing you yet. It would just hurt us both."

His jaw was tense and was looking away from her, but after a few moments he let out a sigh, his muscles relaxing as he did so. "You're right." He looked at her. "Why are you right so much?"

She grinned at him. "I'm a surgeon, that's my job."

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**Author's Note: So things are looking up a little! I would love it if you would tell me what you think in a review. They really do make my day.**


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